More Confused Than Ever
by krebsandoutrage
Summary: Remember all that unfulfilled homosexual tension in 358/2 Days? I bottled that up and put it into a fanfic where Axel & Roxas actually hook up - a lot! Of course, like in the game, their relationship is complicated and full of angst. 358/2 Days Canon. Roxas's POV.
1. More Confused Than Ever

*Fyi, I do not own Kingdom Hearts*

Roxas was sitting at the clock tower, waiting for Axel like usual.

Roxas, however, did not feel usual. After an agonizing amount of weighing the pros and cons, he had finally decided to ask Axel something he'd wanted to know for a long time, and he was feeling exceptionally nervous about it.

Not knowing what love is was one thing, but what he wanted to ask about now was something less metaphysical, something he felt he should already know about, and something Axel had never mentioned to him before. To not know what a kiss was- or rather, to only know _what_ it was without knowing why and how it happened-seemed rather pathetic for a person his age. He'd heard members of the organization talking about kissing, and he'd seen what they were describing, but he couldn't understand why it was such a big deal. What made kissing different from shaking someone's hand, for instance? But he knew it was.

That's why he was going to ask Axel about it. Axel had taught him everything, and Roxas felt extremely grateful that he was Axel's friend. Axel was the only member of the organization who seemed to care about him, and Axel was the only one he cared about. Or – he realized he'd not been thinking properly- Xion was his friend too, and she was nice, but there was something about Axel that made him different. Roxas always wanted to do what Axel did. Just one simple suggestion from Axel about his next crazy scheme, and Roxas wanted to be involved. It was almost scary how much control Axel had over him. He wondered if Axel knew it, and if he was just exploiting Roxas when he convinced him to do often rather stupid things, but Roxas just couldn't blame him for it. He liked him too much.

And as Roxas was thinking about this, Axel arrived at the clock tower and ungracefully sat down beside him, posture terrible as always.

"Hey Roxas, how's it going?"

"Okay," Roxas replied. He couldn't manage to say anything else. His palms were beginning to sweat. He was nervous already, and he hadn't even asked his question.

"Is something bothering you kid, you seem a bit out of it."

"Yes, well, I… Can I ask you something?"

Axel laughed at him. He hated that. He'd also hated that Axel had called him "kid," but he was too afraid and preoccupied to complain about it. "Sure you can. We go over this all the time," he said, exasperated. " What would you like me to explain to you now? Friends again? Family? _Women_?" He said, raising an eyebrow.

Why had he mentioned that last one so suggestively? It made Roxas even more anxious.

"Well, I guess it's kind of about women."

"I know all about them, man. Shoot. Is it Xion? Be honest." His tone seemed far too light-hearted to Roxas who could feel himself blushing.

"Well, no, I guess it's, more …about girls generally. I was thinking, well, I mean, what is a 'kiss?'"

"A kiss?" Axel's facial expression softened. He seemed almost gentle. Roxas was a little surprised. There were few subjects that got Axel to act like this. One of them was his past. He wondered if this brought back a memory for Axel. What if he had kissed someone? This made Roxas feel a little disappointed, but he wasn't sure why. He thought he should be polite and tell Axel that he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to, but Roxas really wanted an answer, so he remained silent.

"A kiss is…" Axel trailed off, apparently looking for the right words. Roxas noticed that his voice not nearly as sharp and condescending as it normally was. "It's what you share with someone you really like... someone that you like as more than a friend, and, usually, someone you love."

"So would…" He felt himself blushing, "would we be the kind of people who would kiss?" He looked down at his shoes and tried to pretend he wasn't there. He felt like this was the wrong thing to say, but, when Axel got like this, so honest, it made him feel braver, and he wanted to be honest too. He could tell that Axel was looking at him.

"Well, we… usually a boy kisses a girl or a girl kisses a boy…" He trailed off. Roxas thought Axel looked a little distracted after he said this, and he was afraid of asking too much, but he really wanted to know.

"Why wouldn't friends like us kiss? " He avoided looking at Axel and instead kept his eyes locked on his hand which was sitting on the clock tower ledge. "I mean, if they really loved each other like you described before, why _wouldn't_ they kiss?" He didn't look up, but he noticed that Axel wasn't looking at him anymore. He was watching the sunset with an almost inappropriate intensity.

"Well, I mean… I guess they _could_…if they really liked each other in that way."

"But what way do you mean by _that way_," Roxas asked, looking at him now.

He looked up at Roxas slowly, his eyes different than normal. Roxas couldn't describe the emotion in them. "The way that means that you're more than friends. If there's a person you want to kiss, then you like them _that _ way."

Roxas knew he shouldn't ask it. He was terribly afraid that Axel would know he was feigning naivety, but he asked anyway. "What does a kiss feel like?"

Axel looked slightly flustered. He waited a while to respond. "It feels… really good, and happy, and after you've kissed someone, your relationship with that person changes forever."

Roxas was fighting saying it. So far he had been self-restrained, so far he had stopped himself from insinuating anything, but he couldn't help it. It was now or never. He said it as quietly as he could while still forming words. "What if I wanted _our_ relationship to change like that?" His face felt intensely warm. Axel was silent.

"Well, if you…wanted that… the first thing we would have to do is kiss, but you would have to be sure that's what you really wanted."

"But, I want to know if… well…" He paused. "Do _you_ want to kiss me?" It was all that mattered to him right now. He wanted Axel to say yes even though it terrified him to think he might.

Axel was looking at the ground again, not smiling. Roxas was afraid that he'd finally gone too far until Axel said, in a level voice, "Yes Roxas, I do." And, after a short pause (a moment of hesitation?), he slowly closed the distance between them. Roxas suddenly noticed how dark it had gotten outside. He felt a hand on his cheek. He wondered what would happen if they fell off the clock tower from being so close. Roxas wasn't sure what to do anymore. He wasn't breathing. Axel's eyes still had that emotion in them, and Roxas thought maybe it was lust but he couldn't concentrate as Axel's face was very close to his and their chests were touching and Axel's other arm was around him –maybe to keep him from falling? Roxas didn't think he could handle it any more. Then Axel closed his eyes and moved his face closer and soon, their lips were touching.

At first it was soft, warm, nice, and a little confusing. Roxas wasn't sure if he was doing it right. The sensation of their lips touching made him feel so alive and so present, and so…loved, he couldn't really tell if he was doing it properly. All he knew was that Axel was an expert. Then suddenly he stopped thinking because Axel had put his tongue into his mouth. Roxas just pulled his best friend a little closer, running his hand through Axel's hair. He felt daring and yet so vulnerable. As Axel's kisses slowly became more passionate, Roxas, although he had been enjoying it immensely, became suddenly became afraid. He felt like if he didn't push himself away now they were going to fall because the ledge wasn't very big and it seemed like they were taking up all the space in the world. This thought made him pull his lips away with more force than he'd intended.

He could breathe now, and he was, heavily, still looking at Axel, very much surprised and confused. Axel looked the same. They stared at each other for a few moments, neither knowing what to do. It was completely dark outside. Should he say something? What could he say? What did they usually talk about? He was wracking his brain even as he was losing himself in the beautiful pair of green eyes looking at him. "I wonder where Xion is!" He blurted, with too much force, and then, afraid that Axel would see how hard he was blushing, he looked down again.

"Yeah," Axel said, clearly trying to fake his normal tone, "I'm… worried that she hasn't come back yet." It was an unconvincing statement, and they were both aware of it, but Roxas could still pretend.

"Yeah, she gets back so late sometimes." His voice was flat. He wasn't sure what to do now. He didn't know how he felt. Did he want to do it again? He didn't even understand what had happened. While he was thinking these thoughts, he failed to notice that Axel had stood up, and, when he did notice it, Roxas looked up at him, wondering what would happen next.

"I'm going to go back to my room, Roxas. You can find your way back right?"

He nodded once, very slowly. Their eyes were still glued on one another. Axel broke his gaze away first. " I'll see you later, tomorrow maybe. I don't know if I'll be coming back here though. I might have other things to do after work," he said, looking away.

"Oh," Roxas said, trying to hide his disappointment. "Yes, I understand. Your job's a lot harder than mine. I can't expect you to come here all the time and have to explain things to someone as clueless as me, right?" He tried to laugh, but he wasn't successful.

"Roxas," Axel said. Roxas couldn't tell if it was a reproach or a conclusion to what had just happened, but when he heard it said by those lips, he felt a tingle run down his spine. He felt unsure.

Axel stood up, without another word and walked around the corner, leaving Roxas alone in the dark, and more confused than ever.


	2. Progress

***Thank you so so SO much for all the really nice comments on my first fanfic! I wasn't expecting to get any comments or favorites at all, and that just made my week. It also inspired me to write a sequel, so thank you all so much! ****

Roxas was getting a little bit annoyed with himself for thinking of Axel as often as he did. It would help if he thought he could talk to someone about what had happened, but Xion, although she was a good friend, had troubles of her own to deal with. Plus, Roxas didn't know if he felt comfortable talking to her about something so personal. Normally, he would ask Axel for advice, but obviously that wasn't an option anymore. Even if he had wanted to broach the subject, it would have been impossible due to Axel's strong attempts to make sure that the two of them were never alone together.

Some days, Roxas would hear Axel's footsteps coming from around the corner and quickly recede as soon as (he presumed) Axel found out that he was alone. Even when Xion was around, which wasn't often, there was no guarantee that Axel would show up.

When he did, he would sometimes joke with them- just like old times- but more often he would just stare quietly at the sunset and leave before Roxas or Xion had even finished their ice cream. It wasn't that things were necessarily awkward, they just weren't like they used to be. Everyone, Roxas included, was a lot quieter. He hadn't realized how much he and Xion had relied on Axel to keep their conversations going.

After days like these, Roxas would lay in bed remembering the moment that had caused this change and wondering if he would ever experience something like it again. Roxas found that even when he tried to suppress the memory of their kiss, he would end up re-experiencing it in his dreams, and he came to the conclusion that it was entirely impossible to stop thinking about Axel.

That was why when Demyx approached him about coming to one of the organization's "nights out," Roxas had mixed feelings. Would Axel avoid coming if Roxas went? Even though he knew it would be painful to be ignored by Axel in yet another social setting, he wanted to go. He had this stupid (he acknowledged it himself) hope that something good might happen between them. He knew he would be content with just a friendly conversation after this week of rarely broken silence, but he also kept the hope that they might share another intimate moment together, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

It was a few hours before Demyx was supposed to take him to where they would meet up with the other organization members, and Roxas, embarrassed, realized he didn't have anything to wear. When Demyx popped through the door a few minutes later, he was relieved.

"I'm not sure what to wear."

"Something casual? Jeans and a t-shirt, maybe?" Roxas just continued staring at him. "Okay, I'll find you something. What kind of clothes do you usually wear?"

"I don't know…. I never wear anything but those black cloaks they put in my closet," Roxas said, pointing to where his robes hung neatly.

"Seriously?" Demyx said, looking at him in surprise.

Roxas nodded. He didn't know if he was supposed to be embarrassed or not so he said something he hoped would clarify the situation: "You realize I haven't been outside this place, right? Ever."

"Oh right," Demyx said, looking a little less confused and a bit more ready for action, "Well then…let's find you something!" and he led the way to his room.

After a ridiculously tiring process in which Demyx made Roxas try on almost everything in his closet (for his own amusement, Roxas was sure), he put him in some plain jeans and a t-shirt with what Demyx told him was a "dinosaur" on it. Not having a mirror or any knowledge of fashion, Roxas realized he was totally at the mercy of his friend (at least he thought Demyx was a friend – he hoped he was).

"Well, let's go!" Demyx opened up a portal, and Roxas found himself in a dingy room that Demyx explained to him was a bar.

"It's where you get _drunk_," Demyx explained. Roxas had no idea what drunk meant until Demyx mentioned the time he'd broken into Roxas's room at three in the morning, refused to leave, and fell asleep in his closet. "You see, I did that because I was _drunk," _he explained. So drunk meant something akin to totally idiotic, Roxas reasoned, and he was fairly familiar with idiotic after having known Demyx for so long.

Demyx led him to a table near a discolored window which Roxas was entirely unable to see out of. When Demyx finally left him, mumbling something about "tequila," Roxas decided to do some exploring. He could see a doorway that led to another room and he heard lots of noises coming from it. He wanted to see if perhaps the rest of the Organization was there, especially Axel, which he was annoyed at himself for admitting.

He was greeted by a weird smell which he recognized as cigarette smoke from the times he'd gone on missions with Xigbar. He began surveying the room and found it wasn't hard to spot who he was looking for. There he was, holding some long thin pole which Roxas would later find out, from Axel himself, was called a cue. He was laughing, probably winning at whatever game he was playing (like he did at everything), and, as of yet, completely oblivious to Roxas's presence in the room. It was moments like these when Roxas really felt Axel was simply too cool to hang out with someone as untalented and unsociable as him.

He didn't have much time to ponder the subject however because Axel had just noticed him and whatever Axel noticed usually happened to get the attention of everyone else. Roxas soon found that all the members of the organization were staring at him. Axel, knowing he was the reason everyone had drawn their attention to Roxas, would also know he had to say something, Roxas reasoned, and he wondered what it would be.

And then came the magic words. "What are you _wearing_?" Axel asked, with a face showing polite confusion. Although it hadn't been exactly what Roxas was expecting, Axel was smiling at him, and it made him feel better than he had all week.

Roxas smiled back, unsure exactly how to react. "Demyx gave them to me?" He said, hoping that would suffice.

Axel laughed, "Well, that explains it. Come here," he said in a cheerful tone. Roxas walked over, delirious that he was being spoken to by the person he'd been ignored by (and yet had still thought about) all week. "Have you ever played pool?"

"Nope."

"I'm going to teach you." Roxas noticed that everyone had gone back to what they were doing: talking, laughing, or playing the game Axel had just described. Axel led him to an empty pool table. They were still in the same room as everyone else, but Roxas felt like they were alone, and he was excited to finally have Axel's unbroken attention.

"Here, take this," he said, and Axel handed him a cue and explained the rules of pool to him. The only parts of the lesson that Roxas remembered were the ones where Axel had to touch his hand to fix the way he was holding something or reposition him at the table. He wasn't sure if it was just wishful thinking, but he thought Axel's hand lingered a bit longer than necessary at times, and when he removed his hand from Roxas's, he seemed somewhat reluctant.

~0~

"So, that's pool for you," Axel said and, exhibiting his most charming smile. Axel ran his hand through the back of his long spiked hair in the way that meant he was unsure what to do next (another mannerism that Roxas adored). He almost seemed shy now that he no longer had the pretense of teaching Roxas something, and they stood awkwardly for a second, both unsure what to do, until Demyx shouted something about free shots from the other room, and Axel, along with all the others, quickly followed the sound of his voice.

Roxas stood alone looking at the pool table and wondering how that moment had happened. Why was Axel so afraid of him sometimes, but now perfectly okay with speaking to him one-on-one? Roxas didn't understand it, and it made him angry despite the annoying reality that he was still happy they had talked.

After Axel left, Roxas resigned himself to sitting at a table alone and watching everyone drink alcohol out of tiny glasses (shot glasses, he would later learn). After each person drank, everyone else would cheer wildly as if drinking out of a tiny glass was quite a commendable achievement. Roxas found it rather boring. He observed Larxene and Marluxia from his place at the table. They had remained in the pool room and were now engaging in the act of kissing which Roxas so wanted to perform again with Axel. It was funny to watch it happening to someone else. He wondered if they were feeling what he had felt.

However, Demyx interrupted his thoughts when he came walking (if you could call his sloshy swagger walking) over to Roxas's table and started speaking incoherently about some girl from Twilight Town who he'd apparently done _many_ things with, none of which Roxas was interested in hearing about. He kept turning his attention to Axel who it appeared had everyone else's attention as well. He had taken a lot of shots, Roxas had noticed, and he was laughing and cheering as much as anyone.

It was about an hour later, Roxas estimated, when Demyx finally stopped talking and fell asleep on his shoulder. Roxas, feeling quite unsatisfied with how the night had turned out so far, remained at the table and played with a coin he'd found in Demyx's pocket.

Suddenly he felt the presence of someone behind him. He saw a hint of red and knew who it must be. He hadn't realized it until now, but almost everyone had left the bar and were either playing pool in the other room or gone.

"Want to make a bet?" Axel whispered in Roxas's ear, making a chill run down his spine. He could smell something on Axel's breath and he didn't seem to be speaking as coherently as he normally did. Roxas wasn't sure what to say. He was too perplexed by the situation to respond.

Axel continued, still whispering in his ear suggestively , "If you flip that coin and it lands on heads, I'm going to take you somewhere, okay?"

"What if it lands on tails?"

Axel let out a quick breath that Roxas thought would have been a laugh, and said, still in that enticingly flirtatious whisper, "That settles it, we're going." And in seconds Roxas was pulled off his chair and into some place new.

Roxas was in what he assumed was someone's home. There was a beaten up sofa and a fireplace and books. The place was kind of messy, and it smelled musty and kind of old, but Roxas liked it. "Where are we?"

"The home of my somebody…" Axel said, appraising the room and apparently approving highly of it. "He has a wife, you know. She's pregnant. He's a really good guy…." Axel said moving around the room and examining the books on the shelves. "I think I must be his exact opposite or something, like his evil twin, even though I have all his memories. He's a much better person than me…."

Axel had never spoken about his past before, and Roxas had never asked him to. This brought up hundreds of new questions, not only about Axel, but about himself. What did the home of _his_ somebody look like? How did Axel even have access to this place?

"Roxas," Axel said, calling his attention from across the room. He turned around to find Axel staring at him in a very curious way that he found he rather liked even if he didn't know what it meant. And soon Axel had crossed the rooms and his hands were on Roxas's face and their lips were touching again.

His drunkenness had surprisingly, Roxas thought, not completely inhibited his kissing abilities. Just when Roxas was really beginning to enjoy what they were doing, Axel broke away suddenly, and took his hand. "Come with me," he said and led Roxas down a hallway and into a bedroom.

Roxas wasn't sure what he was feeling. He was apprehensive about this whole situation, and he kept wondering what would happen if the people who lived in the house came back. However, when Axel went to close the door, Roxas got distracted from his worries, noticing for the first time what Axel was wearing - a plaid flannel shirt (perhaps some shade of purple – it was hard to tell in the dark) and skinny blue jeans. Roxas couldn't believe how attractive Axel looked in these clothes. He was certain that Demyx's clothes did not fit him nearly as well, and he was aware, once again, of how much older and more sophisticated Axel was than him.

Roxas was leaning against the bed, unsure what to do, until Axel walked up to him and began kissing his neck. He slowly pushed Roxas onto the bed until he was laying down with Axel on top of him. He couldn't describe how he felt, but he was positive that he liked it. Axel was just putting his hand under Roxas's shirt when a mechanical noise came from somewhere in the house and Roxas heard a door open.

"Time to go," Axel said, removing himself from Roxas's neck and smiling mischievously (like he always did when he was breaking rules). He quickly pulled Roxas off the bed and opened a portal that led them back to a hallway in the organization's headquarters.

Roxas was definitely unsure of what had just occurred, and he was relieved when Axel spoke first.

"So…uh…" Axel said smiling and running his hand through his hair in the sexiest way possible, "did you enjoy that?"

Roxas couldn't believe how light-hearted and flirtatious Axel was behaving. It was much different than how he'd reacted the last time they'd kissed and he thought perhaps it was because of the alcohol.

"Yeah. That was interesting," he said, nodding slightly and knowing how lame it sounded – he could never get his words right around Axel.

"Good… I'm glad," Axel said smiling, and he turned around to leave as if that had settled everything, but Roxas just couldn't help it. He had to ask Axel the question that he'd been wondering about all week.

"Axel!" Axel turned to face him. "Does this mean that we're _that way_ now?"

"What way?" Axel asked, even though Roxas was pretty sure he knew what he was referring to.

"The way that means we're more than friends."

Axel performed one of his adorable half smiles (as mischievous as ever). "Goodnight Roxas," he said, and he turned around and walked down the hallway and around the corner to his room, leaving Roxas alone once again. But even though he tried to hate Axel for being so careless and nonchalant, he couldn't deny that this was at least progress.


	3. Demyx's Story

"Hey Roxas," Demyx said, peeking his head through Roxas's door, "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Roxas said hesitantly. He wasn't sure that he could manage talking to someone as carefree as Demyx right now. Roxas had spent his entire morning and afternoon thinking about what the events of last night had meant. This had distracted him all the way through his mission, and he hadn't walked to the clock tower simply because he was afraid to face Axel. He feared that his friend would not remember what happened last night or, worse still, remember and regret them, causing him to avoid Roxas like he had the last time they'd kissed.

Although he had fallen asleep with the highest of hopes, now that he was awake and no longer influenced by the magic of the night, he kept thinking about how much alcohol it had taken for Axel to even speak to him. If Axel could only talk to Roxas, or smile at him, or kiss him, when he was drunk, what did that mean about Roxas? Was he only interesting and appealing to a drunk version of Axel? He realized these thoughts were making him feel substantially worse about the whole situation, and then he remembered that Demyx was still in the room.

"Are you okay man? You seem a bit distracted," Demyx asked.

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry," he said, trying to redirect his attention.

"I just wanted to apologize for falling asleep on you last night. I hope I didn't ruin your first time out…. I know I can get pretty obnoxious when I'm drunk," and now his smile appeared again, "I think I had ONE too many shots last night, if you know what I mean," he said winking. Generally, when Demyx asked if Roxas "knew what he meant," Roxas had no clue, but he just let Demyx keep talking anyway.

"It's no problem," Roxas replied, "I still had a fun time. It was great. Thank you for bringing me." He realized these phrases came out a little flat, but he couldn't muster the proper level of enthusiasm.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Demyx asked.

Roxas wished he had the guts to say no, but he didn't want to be rude, so instead he said "Sure" with as much alacrity as he could fake, which wasn't much.

"Did you – uh- go somewhere with Axel last night?"

Roxas could feel himself blushing. He looked down at his lap. How was he going to explain this? He certainly couldn't tell Demyx _everything_ that had happened. Could he tell him anything?

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me! I know Axel can get people into some pretty crazy situations when he wants to."

Roxas couldn't help but acknowledge the validity of this statement. "Well," he began, "he took me to the house of his somebody." This seemed like a very safe explanation. Roxas was proud of himself for thinking of it.

Demyx looked surprised. "How did he find the house of his somebody? I've been trying to open a portal to my somebody's house since I came into existence, but I can never get the it right, even though I know the exact address. I figured Xemnas was monitoring us or something, trying to keep us from finding them." He stopped speaking, clearly lost in thought.

Roxas didn't know if he should continue the conversation, so he said something that was generic enough to either end or renew it, depending on what Demyx wanted. "I don't know how he found it."

This called Demyx back to reality and he perked up once more, "So, anyway, sorry for distracting you from your story. What'd you two do there?" he asked with polite interest. Roxas wished he hadn't said anything. He had thought his side of the conversation was over.

"We weren't there for very long because his somebody came home."

"Oh, I see. So Axel didn't involve you in any mischief?"

Roxas realized Demyx still had no clue what type of mischief Axel had put him up to. He didn't want to clarify, so he just shrugged again.

"You suck at telling stories man," Demyx said light-heartedly. "I'm sorry, but you don't seem to know how to express yourself. So you're saying you guys didn't steal anything or…blow up any mailboxes? …steal a car? …" He trailed off, and when Roxas didn't respond, he replied in a disappointed tone, " You just went to the house and then left? That's so _boring. _Axel usually has more exciting adventures up his sleeve." Roxas felt like he should explain even though Demyx hadn't asked him to.

"Well," he could feel himself blushing again. "That was _mostly_ all…"

He must have looked visibly uncomfortable because Demyx looked slightly concerned (at least more concerned than Roxas had ever seen him). "Is there something you want to talk about man? I know I have some Axel stories that I would rather keep secret. But sometimes it helps to get things off your chest," he shrugged. Roxas thought the kindness behind Demyx's offer was genuine. It surprised him.

Maybe Demyx _would_ be a good person to talk to, he thought. Demyx knew Roxas, he knew Axel, and he was actually a pretty decent guy when he wasn't complaining or slacking off on missions. Although he was still embarrassed to talk about this with anyone, Roxas thought it might be worth the risk. Maybe Demyx could help him figure out what to do.

"Axel and I…_kissed_ last night." He realized "kiss" was a pretty simple blanket term for all that had happened yesterday, but it was all he could manage for the moment and he wanted to see how Demyx would handle this toned-down version of the truth.

Demyx smiled at him. "You kissed Axel? Seriously?" Demyx paused to look incredulous and then laughed, "I thought he told me he was done kissing organization members, but I guess that was before you came along, eh?"

Oh God. Was that a joke? Roxas was bad at discerning humor, and right now he needed to know if what Demyx had just said was serious or not.

Demyx apparently sensed Roxas's confusion because he explained, "I shouldn't have said it like that. He doesn't just go around kissing _all the organization members within reach_, okay? It's just , well… do you want me to tell you one of _my_ secrets?"

Roxas didn't, given how the conversation was going so far, but Demyx didn't seem to care whether or not Roxas responded.

"Axel and I kind of 'had a thing' _way_ back when you weren't here. We hadn't known each other for long…. _ He_ was really drunk and _I_ was really drunk. That's how it was whenever we'd get together. And I'd never kissed a guy before, but that man is just so _persuasive," _he emphasized the last word in a way that concerned Roxas. Demyx kept talking, but Roxas wasn't paying attention.

A lot of thoughts came to him at once – if Axel just went around kissing random people why had he said that a kiss changes a relationship forever? He and Demyx must be a lot closer than Roxas thought. He also wondered why Axel had said that a boy usually kisses a girl. That didn't seem at all true from Axel's experiences – at least the one Roxas knew about. How many of Axel's experiences was Roxas still not aware of?

He was confused. He had thought Axel was his friend. He had believed that Axel treated him differently than everyone else. This ruined everything, and Roxas didn't like it. His perfect vision of Axel was slowly crumbling.

Apparently Demyx had stopped talking, because when Roxas finally got out of his thoughts and into the present, he found a concerned Demyx looking at him intently.

He put his hand on Roxas's shoulder. "Listen Roxas. It was a long time ago. Did I mention that every time we kissed we were drunk? It wasn't a relationship as much as a way to keep sane," he explained. "We had both just become nobodies, and Xemnas obviously wasn't giving us emotional support. Life was just missions and memories of the past. I know you didn't remember anything about your somebody when you got here -still don't I guess- but me and Axel knew _everything _about ours, and it was hard to deal with, because we realized that we weren't them-we weren't our somebodies-anymore… We were just…alone. Everyone I loved as a somebody: my wife, my children…" He paused looking at the floor, "I knew I couldn't' see them anymore. They wouldn't even know I existed." He looked painfully sad. "It's really hard, you know?"

Roxas was completely speechless. He'd never heard anything so tragic in his life. Had he had a wife? He didn't think he was old enough, but maybe he had…. Who else had his somebody known? What had he left behind without knowing it? He began thinking of the many things he didn't know until Demyx interrupted him.

"Sorry Roxas," he said, becoming his cheery self once more. "I didn't mean to bog you down with all that depressing information. Xemnas has forbidden us to talk about our pasts, but we obviously all do it anyway. It's impossible not to, you know?" He got lost in thought for just another moment and then drew his attention back to Roxas. "Listen, man. Axel has been different these past couple of months. He's a lot less rebellious, _way_ more polite, and… I don't know. He's just a better person." Demyx gave Roxas a sly look. "I never realized it until now, but everything about him kind of changed when you got here." His eyes were sparkling suggestively, " So, maybe that means something's in your favor, eh?" he joked.

Roxas was stunned. He felt like he had lost his identity somewhere in their conversation, and he wasn't ready to respond to this comment yet. "Yeeeah…" he said. It was the only response he could think of.

Luckily Demyx looked at his watch at just the right moment and turned towards the door. "Oh man, it's time for me to go! We've been talking for _ages_. I've got a mission to do that I've been procrastinating on since last week! Take care man!" He waved as he left the room. "We'll talk later."

Roxas just stared at the ceiling and concluded that nothing made sense anymore.


	4. An Apology

**Thanks to everyone who is reading this! It's so nice of you to care. I am enjoying writing it, and I hope you enjoy reading it!**

Two days after his conversation with Demyx, Roxas decided to go back the clock tower again. Three days of avoiding Axel was enough, and he had a lot he wanted to ask his friend. He figured the topic of somebodies would be an easier and safer topic than kissing. He had been avoiding thinking about the latter subject and, to his relief, had been relatively successful.

The only thing Roxas feared was the possibility that Axel might be avoiding him again, but he thought he could be patient if it meant he would get answers eventually, and he was determined not to let Axel under his skin. He hoped Xion would be around today. He thought she might find the topic of somebodies interesting, especially since she didn't have memories of her past.

Roxas had already completed his mission for the day, and it was nearing sunset. He sat on the bell tower ledge with his sea salt ice cream, listening for his friends.

He got inexplicably nervous when he heard footsteps approaching. He thought he would be able to act normally. Now he wasn't sure.

He felt his pulse quicken. The footsteps clearly belonged to Axel. Roxas didn't turn around. He was panicking.

"Hey Roxas! Haven't seen you here in a while!"

Roxas was pleased to perceive some excitement paired with his name. It calmed him down a little. Axel seemed happy to see him. However, Roxas was still too nervous to look his friend in the eye.

He had thought he'd be emotionally prepared to see Axel again. He' d spent the last three days trying to prepare himself. It had seemed so easy in his head. Now his plans were abruptly forgotten as Axel fell down next to him on the bell tower ledge. Axel was staring at him curiously as Roxas blushed furiously. He was not handling this as well as Axel was. He had planned on being mature and nonchalant.

"You okay, kid?" Axel asked, still looking at him.

Although he was upset to hear himself called "kid" again, at least it meant Axel was treating him like normal. It was a vast improvement from his odd silence the weeks following their first kiss. Still, Roxas wasn't sure how to respond to normal anymore. He almost wished Axel were a bit more uneasy about this. He figured he should say something. Axel was still staring at him. Roxas looked at his feet.

"Listen," Axel said, and he too turned his eyes toward the setting sun. "I know we have some things to talk about. Mostly just apologies, which you know I hate, so we'll make it as quick as possible. Got it memorized?" Axel said, smiling briefly in Roxas's direction. Roxas liked it when he used the phrase "got it memorized?" It reminded him of when he'd first joined the organization. Axel used to say it all the time.

"First of all," Axel said, "I want to apologize for what happened at that bar Demyx took you to. I should have warned you not to come. Organization parties are always lame. I mean, everyone gets drunk and then we all wake up the next morning from wherever we passed out the night before and no one can remember anything that happened." He smiled, "Then we go back to work and pretend like nothing went down… That's why I wanted to talk to you. I can't remember what happened after I taught you how to play pool the other night, but Demyx told me that I apparently…took you somewhere interesting?" Axel was looking at him.

"Oh no," Roxas thought. This was headed in a dangerous direction. He didn't respond. What was there to say? If Axel didn't remember, Roxas _definitely_ wasn't going to remind him.

"Well, anyway," Axel said, looking away again, "Demyx wouldn't give me details, but he said I should try to avoid getting drunk around minors in the future. He said I'm a bad influence." Axel laughed. "That's nothing I didn't know already…. Anyway, sorry for whatever happened," he shrugged.

Roxas managed a quick glance in Axel's direction. He was genuinely convinced that Axel didn't remember anything that had happened that night, and he was surprised that he felt relieved. He thought that perhaps he should feel upset or indignant, but he didn't. That night was now his own special memory, uncorrupted by whatever Axel felt or didn't feel about it. Roxas liked having it to himself. Still, he was surprised that Axel hadn't asked him more about what had transpired. It wasn't like him _not_ to be curious. But maybe Axel didn't _want_ to know.

"So… are we cool then?" Axel asked, glancing at Roxas.

"Yep," Roxas said, and he almost meant it. Axel would never have to know what Roxas had asked when they had arrived back at headquarters. He wouldn't know that Roxas wanted them to be _that way_. This made things that much less complicated. As far as Axel was concerned, they'd just shared one kiss, and it had never been repeated.

"I… also wanted to ask you about something else…."

What more was there to ask? The whole thing was settled as far as Roxas was concerned.

"Well, that day at the bell tower when we were alone – if you remember – um, did you understand that we were just _experimenting? _I mean, I was just trying to show you what a kiss was. I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. Like, kissing isn't the kind of thing you can _explain_. You have to show someone if they're going to _get_ it. But don't worry. It doesn't mean we're _a couple_ or anything… I just don't want you to be nervous about it," he shrugged as he stood up on the ledge. "I know how easily you get confused, but you don't have to worry about this. I promise it won't happen again." He was silent now. So was Roxas. He had no idea how to respond.

Axel broke the silence. "So... where do you think Xion is?"

Roxas didn't know where she was, but he hoped she'd show up soon so he didn't have to stay there alone with Axel.

~0~

That night as he lay in bed, Roxas thought of how easy Axel had just made everything. All the complications from the past month were gone. Roxas could forget about them forever, and it wouldn't make a difference. Now he could talk to Axel about anything he wanted. Well, anything except kissing or that night at the bar. Those subjects were forever off limits, and Roxas would certainly never bring them up again.

And even though he realized this was a good thing because now he didn't have to worry about their relationship or why Axel had ignored him for that week or why Axel had kissed him in the first place, Roxas knew this didn't solve anything. He would still spend his nights dreaming about kissing Axel and his days trying to forget.


	5. Reno

"Axel, what do you know about your somebody?"

"Well," Axel ran his hand through his hair, "What do you want to know about him?"

Truthfully, Roxas wanted to know anything Axel might be willing to tell. The past few weeks had brought everything back to a passable level of normality between them. This didn't change the fact that Roxas was still harboring the same feelings as he was before, but at least now he could talk to Axel as if those feelings never existed. It was better than being avoided or ignored.

"Where does he live?" Roxas began, although he realized he sort of knew the answer already, having been to the guy's house. However, Axel had been too drunk to remember taking him, so he figured it was a fair enough question.

"He lives in Las Vegas. It's in America," Axel looked at Roxas. "That probably means nothing to you though, right?"

Roxas smiled, "Yeah. It's lame, but I only know about the places I've been on my missions... So what's it like?"

"They call it sin city, if that helps you form an opinion…. There are places called 'casinos' there where people gamble – like we did when I taught you how to play poker, remember?- and lots of, uh, _adult entertainment._" He must have seen the puzzled look on Roxas's face, because he smiled and ruffled Roxas's hair condescendingly. "I'll tell you about it when you're older."

Even though Roxas found it somewhat annoying when Axel wouldn't tell him things, claiming he "wasn't old enough," he realized it was Axel's way of protecting him, and he appreciated it. He even thought it was sort of sweet.

After a slight pause, Axel sighed. "It's a nice place though. I remember when he moved there. Ran away from home when he turned 18. He was kind of a rebel so you can see where I get it from," Axel laughed. He was getting that look on his face that Roxas loved. He looked hopeful. It was beautiful to watch.

"Why did he run away?" Roxas asked, trying to focus on the conversation and not how physically attractive he found his friend. Roxas could understand why someone would want to run away. Sometimes he'd wanted to do it himself, but he honestly didn't think he could survive without Axel. Not just because he really liked him, but also because Axel taught him about practically everything, and he explained new things so well.

Roxas was glad he'd finally gotten the courage to ask Axel about his somebody. Demyx had been bugging him to do it for a while. He wanted to know how Axel had gotten into his somebody's house, but Roxas certainly wasn't going to bring that up. He wasn't even supposed to know about it. Roxas wondered why Demyx didn't ask Axel himself, but he didn't like to discuss the status of Demyx and Axel's past relationship. Finding out that the two had kissed had been enough information already.

Roxas looked at Axel, waiting for an answer to his question. "Well… his parents were kind of awful. They just… didn't respect him, I guess. His father was an alcoholic. Do you know what that means?"

"Yep, Demyx and I talked about that once," Roxas said. This was more or less true. He had been speaking to Demyx a lot more lately, and he'd picked up a useless fact or two. He never thought Demyx's random vocabulary lessons would come in handy. It was a pleasant surprise.

Axel nodded, "Well, that's good. I didn't know you two talked."

Roxas felt like he should explain. "Well, during those weeks when you… weren't around as much, I talked to him more."

"Oh, right," Axel said, looking away. "Well, anyway, where were we?" He paused to think. "Oh! His parents. Well, they were awful people. So he just… left. He went clear across the United States. Started North Carolina –that's on the East Coast, in the South- and made his way to Vegas. It was a booming city at the time. He really loved it…." Axel trailed off and then added, "I really love it too."

Roxas was drinking in the expression on Axel's face. It was so unlike him to be so peaceful and content. Usually he was joking around, making fun of himself or someone else, or just acting in his (endearingly, Roxas thought) egotistical way. However, now he was just being honest, and Roxas thought it looked very good on him.

"But, anyway, I could be nostalgic all day about this stuff," he said waving a hand to indicate his willingness to push the subject aside, but Roxas was determined to keep him talking.

"What kind of job did he have?"

"Well..." Axel seemed glad to continue the subject, "he started as a bartender to make some easy cash. Now he's a hotel manager, and he makes a lot more money. He met his wife when he was a bartender though. She's one of the nicest people I've ever met – well, actually I've never met her really, I guess." He looked distracted now, and a little embarrassed. "I hate it when I talk about my somebody like I'm him," he explained, "He doesn't know who I am, his wife doesn't know who I am, and I'll never really know who they are either. I just have these memories of them together and, I don't know… I guess I feel connected to them, and… I _miss_ them…" His voice had become quieter. "I wish I could be him – leave all of this shit behind. But I can't. I'm just his fucked-up doppelganger, and that's never going to change."

Roxas thought this was a completely inaccurate description. Axel just didn't know how amazing he was. He always acted confident and self-assured, so it always seemed odd to Roxas when he spoke of himself in such a derisive way.

"Axel… I like you how you are. You're… perfect," he whispered the last word, realizing that this was an embarrassing thing to admit and immediately wishing he hadn't. "I mean- I meant – that you don't need to be like him to be a good person." Roxas thought this was a lame conclusion. He was too embarrassed to look at Axel.

Axel wasn't looking at him either. "Thank you, Roxas" he said with a tone of almost heart-breaking sincerity. "No one has ever said anything like that to me before." Axel scratched the back of his head in an awkwardly endearing way. Roxas wasn't sure what to do now. He wanted to reach over and put his hand on Axel's. Their hands were close – almost touching. It would take nothing to bring them together, and he wanted to show Axel that he was there for him physically and emotionally, and that he had meant what he said. He wanted to show Axel just how perfect he was, but he couldn't do it.

He settled for asking his final important question. "What's his name?"

"Reno," Axel whispered.

Roxas nodded to show he'd heard. He liked that name.

"Well," Axel said, changing his tone completely and stretching as he stood up, "It's getting late." Roxas noticed that the sun had set. "I've got to go, but – I know it's lame, but do you want to go to that bar again tomorrow? " Axel seemed kind of embarrassed and he was talking quickly as he often did on the rare occasions when he got nervous. Roxas thought it was kind of adorable. "Demyx will be there, and I will –obviously - and so will everyone. I'll help you improve your game of pool. If I remember from last time, you could _really_ use the help," he joked as Roxas turned to look at him. "So – I mean- it's no big deal if you don't want to go, but I promise not to get black-out drunk again, and-"

Roxas decided to save Axel from himself. "I'd like to go… it'd be fun!" he said, adding a shrug, just to make himself look nonchalant. Inside, he was feeling inexplicably joyful. "Besides, I'd like to win you at a game of pool."

"In your dreams," Axel said as he smiled down at him. Their eyes were glued to one another for a few magical seconds. Axel's deep green ones were playful, and Roxas was enjoying looking at them until Axel looked away. "I'll come by your room tomorrow then, okay? Around 8 o' clock." Roxas nodded, and Axel was just turning the corner of the clock tower when he stopped and added, "I'll find you something better to wear too, if you don't mind… Dinosaurs really aren't your style."

Roxas couldn't erase the smile on his face. He stayed on the ledge until complete blackness overtook the sky. He knew it was unwise to be so hopeful already when he felt like he'd just gotten over Axel's first round of rejection, but he couldn't help it. The sparkle in Axel's eyes had left him foolishly optimistic.


	6. Hot Date Part 1

"Where did you get these?" Roxas asked, looking at the messily folded pile of clothing Axel had placed on his bed.

"I, uh, _borrowed_ them from some middle school kid in Twilight Town. Trust me, he won't miss them," Axel replied as he leaned against the wall in Roxas's room.

"What's middle school?" Roxas asked. It sounded kind of familiar.

"The most awkward time in a person's life, Roxas. You're lucky you can't remember it," he shivered in fake (or perhaps) genuine disgust. There was silence for a moment. "Anyway...uh… I'll just leave and you can try those on…"

As Axel exited the room, Roxas began to examine the contents of the pile. So far Axel's outfit looked infinitely more promising than Demyx's had. Roxas was dressed five minutes later but remembered that he didn't have a mirror in his room. Even without one, he could tell the clothes he was wearing fit him well. He especially liked his shoes. They were apparently called "converses." He wasn't sure what that meant, but he liked the way they looked. Axel had also given him jeans similar to Demyx's and a light blue t-shirt.

He really hoped Axel would like it. It was kind of exciting to wear something Axel thought would be attractive on him. He just hoped Axel liked it. He was standing, waiting nervously, when Axel knocked on the door briefly and walked in.

"Well, let's see it." Axel looked him over once and smiled. "I like it. A _definite_ improvement from what Demyx gave you. I'm glad the shoes fit you. I thought they were really cool."

This made Roxas blush. The shoes were Axel's favorite part too. He felt a bit silly for being so thrilled about something as trivial as liking the same shoes, but he was.

"Plus, that shirt matches your eyes," Axel smiled and then looked a little embarrassed. Roxas wondered if that's why he had chosen it. "Well, let's get going. You ready?"

Roxas nodded. Axel opened a portal and they stepped into the same dark bar. Roxas saw the table where Demyx had fallen asleep on him and Axel had later seduced him. It was weird to be back with a sober Axel, no Demyx, and still no clue how to behave. He decided it would be safest to follow Axel's lead.

Axel led him to the pool room which was already alive with activity and hazy with smoke. The whole organization was there except for Xemnas and Xion, Roxas noticed, but that was normal. Xemnas was never around except during meetings (Roxas didn't even remember meeting him), and Xion was still as much of an outcast as ever. Roxas felt bad for her sometimes. He'd been an outcast before Axel and Demyx had befriended him, and he sometimes wanted to include her in things like this, but he couldn't deny that he preferred having Axel's attention solely to himself.

Axel entered the pool room to shouts of greeting, friendly handshakes, and general indications of his popularity. No one noticed Roxas except for Demyx who nudged him playfully.

"Good for you, Roxas. Way to snag yourself a hot date! It seems like things are looking up for you and Axel since last we spoke, eh?" he said suggestively.

Roxas just blushed and smiled. He was gratified to hear this even though he realized it probably wasn't true. No one else seemed to think it was meaningful that he had arrived with Axel. No one had even noticed him. Still, he appreciated Demyx's encouragement. It made him feel slightly more at ease. Thoughts of the past in which Axel rejected and ignored him were not entirely forgotten, but Roxas felt like tonight would be better.

"Hey Axel," Xigbar yelled from a pool table across the room, "Get over here and help me beat Larxene! She's been murdering me all night, and I think you're the only one who can defeat her," he smiled, in a ruggedly good-natured way, at Larxene. She offered a close-lipped, but acceptably warm, smile back. It seemed like he was the only one who didn't constantly piss her off.

Axel walked over to where Xigbar was standing. Roxas followed. "Sorry Xig! I promised Roxas I'd help him improve his game. Trust me, he needs it."

"Well why don't the two of you join us? Me and Larxene vs. you and Roxas? It should be a fair match." Roxas didn't think it was fair at all.

"Uhmm… well, Roxas," Axel responded, "Is that okay with you? I mean, I don't want to _force _you into anything…"

Since when was Axel considerate? This seemed new for him. Roxas really didn't want to play pool at all, and he honestly couldn't remember much about Axel's last lesson. He'd been far too preoccupied thinking about Axel himself. He feared this time would be the same. However, he really didn't want to let Axel down, and he knew how much Axel loved a good competition.

He managed a half-hearted smile. "Sure. Let's play."

~0~

Roxas felt nervous around Axel generally. With the added pressure of helping him win while trying not to look completely incompetent in front the majority of his co-workers, Roxas was feeling exceptionally anxious. The fact that most of them had made bets on the game, and were thus watching with extreme interest, didn't help.

Luckily, Axel did his part to make Roxas feel at ease. He offered advice while Larxene and Xigbar were shooting and joked about Roxas's admittedly awful skills, which somehow helped him feel better. He liked it when his faults were out in the open. However, whenever Roxas actually had to play, the pressure, combined with his lack of talent, made him fail miserably.

Fortunately, Axel was talented enough to pick up his slack, and they ended up only _barely_ losing. Roxas was just glad the game was over. Although he had done quite badly, he truly could have done worse, and Axel didn't seem _too_ upset over the loss.

Roxas thought things were still going surprisingly well. Although nothing had happened to indicate that Axel felt anything more than friendship towards him, he was still hopeful. It was enough for now.

When Demyx yelled "shots" from the next room –creating another sense of déjà vu for Roxas- Axel raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "Have you ever had a drink before?"

Roxas figured it was safe to assume he meant an _alcoholic_ drink and answered honestly. "No," he said, shaking his head slowly. He was afraid Axel would ask him if he wanted one. He didn't, and he wasn't sure how to say it.

"It's okay," Axel smiled. He must have read Roxas's expression, and Roxas was grateful for it. "I promised not to drink this time, remember? Let's go find somewhere to sit…" He started looking around.

Axel chose a couch in a room linked to the one they had just played pool in. Roxas sat down and examined Axel, slouching on the other end of the couch, for the first time that night.

He looked as handsome as ever. He always seemed so comfortable and at ease. It made everything he did look that much sexier. Roxas froze when Axel noticed him staring. Should he pretend like he hadn't been? He decided to take a look around the room rather than acknowledging what he'd been up to. He realized they were alone.

"Well, _that _was fun," Axel said, sighing as he leaned his elbow on the armrest. "Sorry kid, but you still aren't very good. You're going to have to step it up if you want me to be on my team again."

Roxas smiled but couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Do you want to get out of here?" Axel asked, looking directly at him.

Roxas really, truly did. He nodded. He was nervous.

Axel stood up and smiled in a self-satisfied and playful way. "Well, let's go," he said as he opened a portal and gestured for Roxas to enter.

Roxas liked the feeling of living in the moment. He stepped through the portal and into a world of lights.


	7. Hot Date Part 2

Roxas didn't know what city he was in, but it was gorgeous. He knew he was standing on an extremely tall tower, and he was looking down at buildings of every color, all of them bright and covered in lights. They had a tacky loveliness about them that Roxas couldn't define properly. He forgot about everything except what he was seeing until he heard Axel's voice.

"Do you know where we are?" Axel asked.

"No idea," Roxas said, as he shook his head slightly, without attempting to hide his awe. He knew he probably looked ridiculous, but he was in too much shock to act normally.

"It's where my somebody lives. Las Vegas." Axel smiled as he looked out at the city. "It's kind of brilliant, don't you think? I remember the first time he came here. He couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it was. Reno felt free here for the first time since he'd left home. And that's how I feel here too," he sighed. "We have to be careful though. The top of this building is closed to the public right now, but sometimes there are security guards at night. I've had a few close calls. I'll worry about it though," he shrugged, "You just enjoy yourself." He offered a half smile. "Kinda cool, right?"

It was cool. Really cool. "What building are we standing on now?"

"It's called The Stratosphere. It's for tourists –those are people who are visiting a new place, like on vacation, you know?" he explained after Roxas gave him a blank look. "They come up here to get a good view of the city. Like I said, it's closed for the night, but usually there are a lot of people here."

"Ohhh…" Roxas said. Then there was silence, and he didn't have anything else to say. Now that the conversation had died down he realized a few things that, when added together, made him exceptionally nervous: 1. he was on top of a very tall building (he wasn't a huge fan of heights), 2. he was alone with Axel , and 3. the two of them could be caught at any moment by "security guards" (whoever they were). Roxas stood by the edge of the building and looked out through the clear plastic walls that separated him from a perfect view. It really was lovely. He was glad to be here.

"Feel like being adventurous?" Axel asked, looking directly at him with a hint of danger dancing in his eyes. Roxas was all too familiar with this look. It made his stomach drop from nervousness. He didn't respond, but Axel started walking, and Roxas followed until he was looking up at a metal framework of some kind. It was massively tall. Oh no, Roxas thought. He could see _exactly _where this was going.

Axel walked inside the structure and started climbing a ladder that led to the top. When he was a quarter of the way up (at least 40 feet above Roxas) he looked down at him. "Oh come on Roxas! You know you want to…" he yelled down.

Oh no. Axel was giving him that look. He could feel the peer pressure from 40 feet away. And he knew there were beautiful green eyes staring at him, daring him onward. He hated heights. But he had to do it. Here goes, he thought, as he stepped through the bars and onto the ladder.

Axel didn't say anything when he saw Roxas walking towards the ladder. He knew he'd won, and Roxas knew that Axel knew that he would keep on following him like always. Axel continued climbing.

Roxas put a foot on the ladder and began to ascend, trying not to pay attention to anything except his immediate task and surroundings. It wasn't until he was halfway up that he looked down in a state of panic.

"Roxas, are you okay?" Axel yelled from above him. Axel must have been paying more attention to him than he'd thought.

"Uh… yeah –what?" He couldn't really pay attention to anything except how high up he was.

"Roxas, don't tell me you're afraid of heights!" He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation.

"I most definitely _am_ afraid of heights," Roxas admitted. He had stopped looking down and was now focused on Axel.

"Roxas, I want you to keep on climbing, okay? Don't look at anything around you, and just keep moving. Nothing's going to happen to you. Trust me. Just keep moving."

Roxas did it. And somehow it worked. Suddenly, he was at the top of the ladder and there was a surface for him to sit on. Axel was already sitting down on it already and looking at him.

"Not bad," he said with a small, condescending shrug. Then, seeing the look of exasperation on Roxas's face, he laughed.

It was times like these when Roxas realized what an asshole Axel really was, making him climb all the way up here when he was afraid of heights. Axel lived off of adrenaline, and Roxas didn't, except when Axel made him. This was probably one of the stupidest things he'd done under the influence of Axel's manipulation. And then he looked out at the city around him as he stood on the ledge and realized he felt damn good. The adrenaline felt great, and he could sense it in his veins. He was wired. He wanted to do something outrageous. Like jump or fly or-

He was being kissed.

Axel was kissing him.

Combined with the rush and the nervousness and that indescribable grasp on being alive, it felt appropriately dangerous. Axel's hands were on his face and in his hair. All combined, it was like nothing he'd ever experienced. He was sure it was just what life was supposed to feel like. Axel's lips parted with his, but his hands were still on Roxas's face.

"Fuck," Axel said, breathless, his face still close, looking at Roxas's eyes. Then he took his hands off Roxas's face and looked out at the city. He was still standing close enough to Roxas for it to be okay that they had stopped touching. Roxas looked out at the city too. He felt Axel's hand take his hand, and their fingers intertwined. It was a very comforting thing. No one had ever held his hand before. He was trying to cherish the moment, and he smiled and took a deep breath and tried to store the memory in his head for later, for forever, just in case he never felt this way again.

"Roxas," Axel said, "what do you think of me?"

"Um..." He'd been caught off guard with the question, but he tried to make an appropriate answer out of all the possible things he could say. "I think you're a good person and fun to be around… I was kind of pissed at you for making climb up here, but… now, I feel pretty good about it," he said, and he couldn't help but blush a little. Axel was still holding his hand.

Axel smiled in a way that Roxas could only describe as bitter. "That's cute, Roxas. But you've got me _all_ wrong… One day you'll know."

Roxas hated it when Axel put himself down, and he responded without thinking. "I will _not_ know! It's annoying when you say things like that. You're wrong."

"Say things like what?" Axel asked. He was still calm despite Roxas's outburst.

"Like when you say you're a bad person or dangerous or 'dark.' It's stupid," Roxas shrugged, trying to calm down. "You're really. I don't know. You're my best friend. Everything you do for me contradicts that. Like the fact that you've been helping me out since I got here and taking care of Xion when she needs it and bringing me to places like this. A bad person wouldn't do those things."

"Roxas, I am _only_ a good person when it comes to you. I'm a good person when I'm around good people because it's easy, but when I'm not, I go back to my true self, and I'm a terrible person. Trust me."

"You are not! Name one bad things you've done." Roxas hated having this argument with Axel. It was so frustrating. He knew Axel was a good person. He just didn't know why Axel couldn't see it.

"You're just naïve Roxas. You can't imagine anyone doing anything bad because _you_ never have. And you never will. I, on the other hand, do awful things on a daily basis. I just don't tell you about them. If you knew what I have been doing at Castle Oblivion, you'd believe me."

This comment made Roxas extremely uneasy. It never occurred to him that Axel may really have done something bad. He realized suddenly that Axel had never fully explained what kind of "missions" he'd been doing at Castle Oblivion. Still, Roxas was convinced that whatever bad things Axel had done could be forgiven. Deep down, he knew Axel was a good person. He wanted to make him see it.

"Listen," Axel said, and he dropped Roxas's hand, "this was an awful idea, and it was selfish of me to bring you here, but you have to understand that even if I am a bad person, I care about you, okay?" He was looking at Roxas seriously. "And I will protect you. It will be the only good thing I ever do."

"What are you talking about?" Roxas asked suspiciously. Protect him from what? He looked into Axel's eyes. How could there be anything bad hidden there? "I don't believe that you're a bad person, Axel," he said.

Axel sighed. "You will, Roxas, just wait. You're going to hate me when you find out who I really am."

He looked so sad. Roxas couldn't help what happened next. "I could never hate you," he said, and, just to prove it, he took a step toward Axel and, casting his nervousness aside, kissed him on the lips. He was pleased and surprised to find that Axel was kissing him back.


	8. New Memories

The next morning, Roxas woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. As he sat up in bed, he began to remember the events of the night before, and a smile spread across his face.

After Roxas had kissed him, Axel had gently drawn himself away and laid down on the platform, looking up at the moon. Still hundreds of feet in the air, Roxas lay down next to him.

Roxas searched his memory, trying to hold on to every detail of what had happened then. They had talked _a lot_. Well, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that _Axel _had talked a lot. Roxas had just listened as Axel revealed things about his own past, Reno's past, and the history of the city that surrounded them. Roxas loved every second of it.

The only thing that disrupted this illusion of perfection was Axel's strict determination to avoid the subject of Castle Oblivion. Roxas tried (not too hard, he admitted) to bring it up, but Axel always quickly redirected the conversation. It scared Roxas to think of what could be so bad that Axel felt he had to hide it. However, deep down, Roxas was almost grateful that he didn't know. He didn't want anything to ruin their new relationship, but he couldn't stop himself from feeling slightly uneasy even as he hoped that what Axel said about doing bad things there wasn't true.

Roxas, realizing that his smile had faded, redirected his thoughts to something more pleasant. He remembered that they had stayed on the top of The Stratosphere until the sun rose. Roxas must have fallen asleep at some point after this, because he didn't remember what happened next. Axel must have brought him back here, he thought, and the grin returned to his face.

Roxas got out of bed and sleepily put on his uniform. Today would be an interesting day. He could tell. He walked into the main room to find out what his mission was for the day – he hoped it'd be easy. He didn't realize until he saw Axel walking toward him with a strange expression on his face that he must look like a total wreck. In his sleepy stupor he hadn't bothered to shower or comb his hair or even look in a mirror. He'd walked here out of mindless habit. He must look ridiculous.

"Rough night, eh?" Axel asked, winking at him. "Come on. You're my partner for today – lucky for you," he added.

"What're we doing?" Roxas asked hazily. He was glad to have an excuse to spend another day with Axel. It was the best possible scenario given how he was feeling. He just hoped he could stay awake.

"Fighting heartless in Beast's Castle. Should be fun. You'll be doing all the work. I'm just there to babysit," Axel smirked. He knew how much Roxas hated it when organization members called going on missions with him "babysitting," which they did all the time.

Roxas groaned and rolled his eyes. He was feeling slightly irritable, but he figured it was better Axel than someone else. At least he wouldn't have to explain why he was so tired.

He followed Axel through a black portal and into the familiar courtyard outside the castle.

Axel looked him up and down. "Are you sure you're up for this? You look so sleepy and _helpless_…It's almost cute," he said, making Roxas blush, "but we've still got a mission to do. So you're gonna have to wake up a bit," he said as he turned toward the castle, clearly prepared to fight.

Roxas felt like he wasn't functioning properly, and it was rather perplexing to him. He realized then that he had never had to work without sleep before. Every night he went to bed at the same time and woke up at the same time. He'd never stayed up the whole night. Being tired sucked. He yawned.

"After you," Axel said, motioning for Roxas to follow him castle.

~0~

Roxas felt useless. He couldn't fight well because he couldn't concentrate. He knew he was moving miserably slow. After a while Axel seemed to take pity on him and motioned for him to rest in a familiar room. There was a beautiful rose in a glass case inside. It was the only pretty thing in the rather dilapidated room.

"You should sit," Axel said, gesturing for Roxas to sit down on a couch that faced the rose. Axel sat beside him.

"I feel awful," Roxas said, yawning yet again. He thought it might be a bad idea, but he felt too exhausted to stop himself. He curled up next to Axel, putting his head on the other boy's shoulder. He was happy to feel Axel respond by putting an arm around him. Axel kissed his forehead. It was the most gentle thing he'd ever done in Roxas's presence. It made him feel extremely comfortable. He was afraid of falling asleep, but he wanted to keep on enjoying the moment.

"How are you so awake?" he asked.

"I'm a lot more used to not sleeping than you. That's what happens when you have a guilty conscience."

"You don't sleep?" Roxas asked into Axel's shoulder.

"Nope. Or, not often," Axel said, and Roxas felt him shrug.

Roxas was surprised that he'd managed to get Axel to hold him like this. Something about being so sleepy had put his guard down, and he was willing to do things he normally wouldn't. He couldn't explain it, but it felt really good to be sitting here so close to Axel.

He felt so good that he wasn't even afraid to ask the question that had been bothering him since yesterday. "What did you mean when you talked about Castle Oblivion yesterday? " he asked, "You never answered me." Now that he said it, he realized how afraid he was for the answer. He held his breath, waiting.

"Roxas," Axel said, sighing, "can we just not talk about it for now?" He sounded tired, as tired as Roxas felt. "I just… _please_? Let's just sit here."

Roxas didn't feel like putting up a fight. He didn't really want to talk about it right now either. All he wanted to do was pretend, just like Axel was, that nothing was wrong – that they were just two people who felt comfortable enough to sit here in silence. Roxas felt Axel lift up his chin and put his lips on Roxas's for a few sweet moments before laying his head back on his shoulder. He never spoke, but Roxas could tell that something was a little wrong. He didn't say this to Axel though. He just stayed in his arms, enjoying the only slightly fractured bliss of being together.

~0~

It was dark outside when Roxas woke up again. He was laying on his side, facing away from the couch, his head in Axel's lap. It was dark outside. As he moved to sit up he felt Axel stir and yawn, so he lay back down.

"Roxas, are you awake?" he whispered.

"Yep," Roxas whispered back.

"Can I ask you something serious?"

Roxas paused before replying. "Sure..." Axel's tone made him nervous. It helped that he couldn't see his eyes. He stared at the glowing rose on the table in front of him – it was even more lovely in the dark.

"What happened that night at the bar?"

Roxas's initial instinct was to pretend like he didn't know anything. He wished he didn't now. He didn't want to have to explain it, but Axel's body seemed tense, and his voice was somewhat urgent. Maybe he was scared. Roxas couldn't tell without looking at his eyes.

Axel didn't say anything to help him out so he began as best he could. "You - we - you took me to your somebody's house." Why were they talking about this? It was supposed to be like it never happened.

"I guessed that much already. Demyx can't keep secrets."

Axel didn't offer anything else, so Roxas continued. He wondered how much Axel already knew. "We also…kissed..." This was embarrassing. They'd never _talked_ about the things they'd done before. It was weird to put it into words.

"Did you kiss me or did I kiss you?"

"You kissed me." He wondered where this was going. Why did it matter?

"I thought so," he said. "Then what happened?"

"Well, you took me to his bedroom."

"Christ… Roxas, I know this might be difficult to explain, but what happened next?"

Roxas was so confused. The way Axel was speaking so tensely made this seem crucially important, but Roxas really wasn't sure why. "You pushed me on the bed and -" This was so embarrassing to say. "You were kissing my neck, and…you put your hand up my shirt… and then we heard your somebody come home… so we left," Roxas concluded, glad it was over. He was also glad that Axel couldn't see his face.

He felt Axel sigh. "Roxas, I'm so sorry for that."

Axel sounded more exhausted now than he had before. "Well, it wasn't _that_ bad," Roxas said, , and he couldn't help but grin a little. He knew he should probably be a little angrier considering the fact that Axel had forgotten about the whole night and said their kiss didn't mean anything the next day, but he'd gotten over it the second Axel had asked him out again. It didn't say much for Roxas's memory or his sense of self-preservation. Was it bad that he had forgotten and forgiven this hurt so easily? The thought worried him, but it was interrupted by Axel speaking again.

"Oh Roxas," he said, in a tone that was both playful and somewhat reprimanding. "Don't you remember what I told you last night? I'm a bad person, and I shouldn't be with you. Got it memorized? You're too good for me."

Roxas didn't really think this was true. Most of the time it felt like Axel was too good for _him._ If he knew Axel's secret and why he what he wasn't telling him what was going on at Castle Oblivion -if he only knew, he could forgive him, and this game would be pointless, but he remembered Axel's request that they put it aside for now, and he remained silent.

"Then why did you let me fall asleep on you?" Roxas asked, but he realized that this question was supposed to represent a number of others as well: why did you kiss me? Why did you take me out last night? Why are you making me like you when you think I shouldn't' be with you? He wished he could ask these questions, but he was afraid.

"I don't know Roxas…. Probably because I'm selfish… Plus, you look really cute when you're drowsy," he added, making Roxas blush for the umpteenth time.

"Do you want to go to the clock tower?" Axel asked.

"But we never finished our mission," Roxas protested. Even though he didn't feel like fighting heartless at the moment, he'd never failed to complete a mission before.

"Who cares?" Axel said, using his tone of persuasive nonchalance. Axel could convince him of anything.

"Okay then… let's go."

~0~

It was already dark outside when they arrived. Neither of them had spoken much. It was weird to be back in a familiar setting after all that had happened.

"Can I ask _you_ something now?" Roxas asked.

"Depends on what it is," Axel responded.

"I answered _your_ question earlier," Roxas reminded him.

"Well, okay, maybe. Ask me first."

"Do you know anything about my somebody?" It was a risky question, but Roxas felt so comfortable and safe right now. He didn't care.

Axel fidgeted, clearly bothered by the question. "That's the kind of thing I was afraid you'd ask," he said, looking down at the few lights in the quiet town below.

"Can't you tell me _anything_? " He'd been thinking about it a lot lately. The more Axel told him about Reno, the more curious Roxas got about his own somebody.

"I will tell you _one_ thing, and that's all. Got it memorized?"

"Fine," Roxas said. It was better than nothing.

"You can't tell anyone. Not even Xion, okay?"

"Fine."

"Pinky swear," he said. Roxas looked at him, confused.

"Oh, I forget you don't remember your past. Here," and he demonstrated how to make a pinky promise. "Okay, that's a stupid way of saying that you promise not to tell anyone, alright?" he said, smiling. Even though it was childish, Roxas thought his playfulness was one of the cutest things about him.

Roxas nodded.

"His name is Sora."

"Sora?"

"Yep."

"That's all you're going to tell me?"

"Mmhmm," Axel nodded. He could be annoying sometimes. Still, Roxas was glad to know.

"Okay, then. So his name is Sora... It _is_ a he right?"

He could see Axel smile in the dark. "Yes, it's a he. Do you know how organization members get their names?"

"Nope," Roxas responded. He'd honestly never thought about it before.

"You take the letters in your somebody'sname, and then you add a letter, "x" – wait, do you know what letters are?"

Roxas nodded, he knew what they were, even if he didn't know _how_ he knew.

"So S-O-R-A becomes R-O-X-A-S."

Roxas thought for a second. "Why not… Saxor or… Arsox or… something? Why Roxas?"

Axel raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you really want to be named Saxor?" he asked, sarcastically, but Roxas could see him smiling.

"Okay fine," Roxas said, smiling too, "but if you're somebody's name is Reno… then how did you get the name Axel," Roxas said. He was pretty sure it didn't make sense. He was going to feel really stupid if he was wrong.

Roxas saw Axel cringe. "Because… Reno's real name is Lea…" Axel trailed off, sounding a little bit disheartened.

"Lea?..." He used the same sarcasm Axel so often used on him. "I can't say I like it much." He shrugged, snickering quietly. He didn't know why it was so funny. He guessed he just liked to make _Axel _blush for a change.

"His mom named him after some damn female character in some stupid movie. She wanted a girl, but she got Reno instead. And just to make him pay for it, she went and gave him a fucking stupid name like 'Lea.'" Axel truly sounded a little bitter. It just made Roxas laugh harder.

As soon as he calmed down, he continued the conversation, "Then how did he get the name Reno?"

"He changed his name when he moved away from home. He shrugged her off along with her stupid bullshit and started over. A pretty bold move, I'd say. But, really, what man could make it in a city like Las Vegas with a _girl's_ name? I hope it makes her furious when she finds out."

"You mean she still doesn't know?"

Axel shrugged, "They rarely spoke after he left. It never came up, I guess," Axel said, running a hand through his hair. "He didn't want to push the issue. I don't know what happened to her after I became a nobody though. I only have his memories up to a certain point. Now he's making his own." Axel looked thoughtful. "But anyway, we should probably go. It's really dark, and I would hate to keep you up again. Children need their rest…"

"Oh, shut up," Roxas said, both angry and amused as they made their way back to the organization headquarters.

"Seriously though, do you want me to tuck you in?" Axel asked, putting on a mock serious tone as they neared his room. "I think I know a few bedtime stories…"

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on! I'm not even that much younger than you!"

"You're young enough, Roxas," Axel said, switching to a mildly serious tone. He paused and stopped to face Roxas, looking into his eyes. "We've got to stop doing this," he said, his mischievous smile seeming to indicate the opposite.

Roxas felt the familiar sensation of Axel-induced nervousness as they stood facing one another, completely silent.

Axel moved closer to Roxas and unexpectedly drew him into a hug. Roxas had decided he really liked hugs when Axel pulled away from him and put a hand on his face. "Night Roxas," he said and kissed him on the nose.

It was such a silly thing, but it made Roxas smile.

Axel playfully smiled back. Roxas felt drunk on happiness. They were both acting a little unlike themselves, but Roxas couldn't say he didn't like it. It was kind of new, kind of _fun _for a change. Not like some of the depressing conversations they'd been having lately.

"I'll see you tomorrow, k?" Axel said, preserving the huge smile on his face.

"Okay," Roxas said, as he left the dark hallway and turned on the light in his room. It wasn't until he was in his pajamas and laying under the covers of his bed that his smile faded slightly as he remembered the thing Axel still hadn't told him. The thought of Castle Oblivion lurked stealthily in the back of his mind, and even as he tried to crush it with the memories of today, he couldn't shake the feeling that because of it, these moments of carefree bliss couldn't last forever.


	9. Innocence

****Sorry it took me forever to post something! I just got back from Singapore (that's where I was fyi) so now I should be able to write more often now! Hope you are well :)********

"Xion, is that you?" Roxas asked. He thought he'd heard someone coming up the stairs to the clock tower, but he couldn't see anyone from where he was sitting.

He hoped it was Xion. He wanted to talk to her. Yesterday she'd asked Axel about Castle Oblivion, and Roxas had waited anxiously for Axel's answer, wondering what he'd say when put on the spot. Axel had disappointed him, only stating that it was a "research facility." He wanted to know why Xion had asked in the first place. Did she know something he didn't?

He couldn't deny that he'd become somewhat obsessed with Castle Oblivion lately. He was sick of avoiding the subject, especially around Axel. All Axel's comments about being a "bad person" were starting to bother Roxas. He was beginning to believe there might be some truth to his statements. It scared him. He didn't want it to be true. All the feelings of doubt he'd been pushing away for weeks were slowly and finally catching up with him.

Before Xion had left them yesterday, Axel suggested they take a trip to the beach together. It had been a long time since he and Axel had done anything with Xion, and Roxas had the feeling she needed friends right now. After Xion left, the words "Castle Oblivion" hung awkwardly in the air. As soon as Axel finished his ice cream, he left Roxas sitting on the clock tower alone without saying a word.

Roxas brought himself back to the present, concluding from all of this that Xion clearly wasn't in the best of shape. He saw her emerge from around the corner, a hand on her face as she brushed a tear away.

"What's up with you?" Roxas asked. He realized this probably wasn't the nicest thing to say, but he'd never had to comfort someone before. Usually when Axel or Demyx started to get emotional they'd laugh it off. Xion was not laughing.

"I'm-" She sobbed again.

"Uh...would you like to sit?" Roxas gestured to the spot next to him on the ledge. He realized how little he knew about what Xion was up to nowadays. They never talked anymore. She'd recently woken up from an almost three week long sleep. Roxas had visited her, but he never found out what had happened to her or why. He wondered if Axel knew. He hated how suspicious he was becoming, but he often couldn't stop himself.

Xion sat down next to him and continued sobbing. He wished he knew what to do.

After a few minutes of watching her cry and attempting to comfort her (which only seemed to make her burst into fresh tears), he awkwardly put his arm around her the way Axel sometimes did for him. She cried into his shoulder with renewed energy and then seemed to calm down. She looked up at him through her tears and smiled slightly.

"Thank you, Roxas. I really"-sob- "appreciate this. Things have been… so difficult lately." She looked at him with a pained expression, and said "I don't want anything to happen to you" before bursting into tears again.

The expression in her eyes concerned Roxas, but he didn't want her to worry about him right now. She clearly had enough to deal with. "Xion, nothing's going to happen. I'm fine," Roxas smiled at her.

"Do you know what's happening at Castle Oblivion, Roxas?" She asked, clearly exhausted. Roxas wasn't sure if she wanted a reply, but when she looked up at him, he decided he should say something.

"No, Xion, I don't. I'm sorry. I wish I knew."

"I have to find out, Roxas. I have to go. I'm sorry," she said as she gently moved out from under his arm, waved lightly, and walked around the corner and down the steps.

Roxas sighed as he watched her go. He felt extremely uneasy. Why was she afraid for _him_? And what did Castle Oblivion have to do with it? How was she going to find the answers? Roxas wanted to go with her.

"Roxas, what's wrong with Xion?" Axel was here. He had asked with genuine concern, but Roxas couldn't stop himself from wondering if he knew the answer already. The feeling of unease wasn't going away. Axel was making it worse.

Roxas stood up and looked into Axel's eyes. "Axel, what aren't you telling me?" He said cautiously. He didn't want to get into an argument or make Axel upset. He didn't really know what he wanted. Axel stared back at him in silence.

Roxas could feel himself tensing up. The feeling of disquiet was building. He tried to keep his tone calm. "I think you know something about what's wrong with her," he said, trying not to sound accusatory.

Axel was looking at him intently, examining him. Roxas really didn't like it. It was making him uncomfortable. Why wasn't Axel answering him? "I have to go," he mumbled, as he walked down the steps of the clock tower.

"Shit Roxas, I'm sorry," Axel said. He was holding on to Roxas's arm, effectively stopping him from leaving. "Please stay?" he asked calmly.

"Okay,_"_ Roxas said apprehensively as he moved his arm out of Axel's grip, a little more sharply than he'd intended. Axel looked hurt and slightly perplexed by this, but Roxas didn't have the strength to apologize. There was too much going on in his head.

"What's wrong Roxas?"

"I feel like you're hiding something from me, and it's been bothering me for weeks. And now I feel like I'm ruining everything. Axel," he sighed, "I just wish you would tell why you think you're a bad person and what's going on at Castle Oblivion so I could just forgive you, and we could forget about it. The fact that you're not telling me just makes everything worse." Axel's beautiful eyes were still making him feel intensely vulnerable, especially after this confession.

Axel smiled at him. "Roxas, if I am keeping secrets, it's only to protect you. You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you-"

"Then why do you keep telling me what a bad person you are and that I shouldn't be with you? I thought we were best friends! You're not supposed to hide things from me, especially when Xion is an emotional wreck! You know what's wrong with her, don't you?" The volume of his voice was rising. He could feel his face getting warm. He didn't like this. It felt too dangerous.

"I-Roxas, it's beside the point. I'm doing what I can. I can't tell you everything. I'm protecting you, I promise" He took Roxas's hand in his own. He was still as composed as ever. "Please believe me Roxas." Axel's eyes were pleading with him. Roxas could sense the same disquiet in them that was plaguing both him and Xion and seemed to be destroying his entire world.

~0~

Roxas was on the verge of sleep, but his worries about what had happened today kept him awake. He was afraid that things wouldn't be the same between him and Axel ever again. He didn't even know what was happening to Xion. He felt completely helpless.

Axel had tried to make light of it all. He'd tried to ignore the uneasiness that was building walls all around them, but Roxas could feel it when Axel kissed him and told him not to worry and let him walk back from the clock tower alone.

A sliver of light came from the hallway leading into his room. Roxas sat up in bed and saw the door to his room slowly open.

"Roxas? Are you awake?"

It was Axel's voice. Roxas felt his heart start to pound. The presence of Axel always made him nervous, even now. Actually, especially now. Axel had never been in his room at night before. Oh god. He'd walked into the door. Roxas could see that he was wearing a pair of boxers and a wife beater. Axel was so thin and pale and tall and beautiful. Why was he thinking this now? He was supposed to be mad at him, but he was having trouble thinking.

"What are you _doing_ here?" Roxas whispered, as he watched Axel close the door behind him leaving them both in almost complete darkness.

"I wanted to see you. I didn't want you to be mad at me," he said in his cocky, matter-of-fact tone. The insecure Axel from earlier was clearly gone. "Besides, I thought this might be fun." Even though it was dark and he couldn't see much, he could tell that Axel was wearing one of his mischievous and suggestive smiles. Roxas could feel his defenses weakening, and he wasn't sure if he wanted them to or not.

"Axel..." Roxas sighed out of frustration, and then smiled when he realized he wouldn't be able to stay mad at Axel now. "I wish I could still be mad at you."

Axel laughed quietly, "I've always been good at winning people over." He tripped on something on his way to Roxas's bed and laughed when he got there. He stood by Roxas's nightstand, looking at Roxas but not moving.

"Well aren't you going to invite me in?" Roxas could see the smug look on Axel's face in the blue light from his alarm clock.

"You're terrible Axel," he said, trying to be upset, but he was smiling. Why did Axel have to be so charming?

"You're making me feel cheap Roxas," Axel said, feigning a serious tone. "Do you want me to go all the wayback to my room dressed like this?"

"Fine Axel. You're ridiculous. Just, here-" Roxas said as he pulled back the covers and scooted over to make room.

"Why Roxas!" Axel said in artificial shock "You're not wearing a shirt? Are you trying to seduce me?"

Roxas couldn't help it. He was smiling and giggling and forgetting everything that had bothered him only minutes ago. Axel was too good at distracting him. Why couldn't their whole relationship be like this – fun without any secrets?

"You are such an awful flirt…" Roxas said, throwing a pillow at him even as he was smiling.

"I am _not_ an awful flirt. In fact, flirting is the only thing I'm good at," Axel said as he pulled the covers over both of them and snuggled up next to Roxas, laying his head on Roxas's shoulder and putting an arm across his bare chest, causing Roxas to inhale a sharp breath out of surprise.

"Oh Roxas," Axel said whimsically, "You're so innocent," and he moved his head to kiss Roxas on the cheek. "Goodnight," he said as he moved himself back into his previous position. "As much as I would like to continue this, I think you need your sleep, especially since you're completely useless without it," Axel said.

Roxas didn't really feel like going to sleep at all, especially now, but Axel was asleep within minutes. Roxas moved the hair back from his peaceful face and noticed for the first time just how long his eyelashes were and how the small dark tattoos beneath his eyes contrasted with his pale skin. Ironically, he felt more comfortable in his bed than he had in weeks now that he was sleeping next to the same person who usually kept him up at night.

~0~

"Demyx?"

It was the first thing Roxas heard when he woke up. Was that Axel's voice? He felt extremely disoriented.

"What are you doing in here? For Christ's sake Axel! You're supposed to be _protecting_ the kid. What the fuck!"

"Oh come on Demyx!" Axel replied light-heartedly to counteract Demyx's yelling "_Nothing happened._ I barely touched the kid," he said putting his hands up in the air. He was standing next to the bed, and his usually spiky hair looked like a tangled mess, but Roxas thought it was kind of cute.

"I know you too well to believe that," Demyx said shrewdly. "It wasn't so long ago you were sneaking into _my_ room…"

"Jesus Demyx," Axel said, looking over at Roxas. Roxas got the feeling Axel wished he hadn't heard that. "I don't want to hurt your feelings, but we've talked about this before. Roxas is different, I promise you, okay?"

Demyx still looked frustrated, but he eventually sighed. "Fine…_fine_."

"Soo… breakfast anyone?" Axel asked, putting on a winning smile and looking back and forth at the two of them.

Demyx rolled his eyes and started leaving the room. "I'll meet you guys there…"

Axel stretched his arms and yawned. "You know, that's the best I've slept all week," he said as he leaned towards Roxas and kissed him on the lips. "I might have to make this a habit," he said as he stood back up again. "I'm gonna go find something more appropriate to wear. I'll meet you there, okay?"

Roxas nodded. Axel closed the door behind him. A million thoughts entered Roxas's head at once. He didn't know what to do with the future. He decided to take it one step at a time. For now he would get dressed, and then he would go to breakfast.


	10. Pillow Talk

Axel was in Roxas's room again tonight. He was lounging on the bed talking while Roxas brushed his teeth. Roxas secretly loved that Axel kept coming to his room every night even though he wouldn't admit it to Axel. The only thing he _disliked_ was having less time to think about things on his own. It was really hard to do much of anything when Axel was around. He was too distracting. But Roxas had decided to stop worrying about it and just enjoy their time together.

Despite this decision, he was still dying to know why Demyx had gotten mad at Axel the other morning in his room. He hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Demyx about it yet. What was he so worried about? Roxas had never seen Demyx and Axel talk to each other except at organization meetings. They rarely spoke to one another – at least as far as Roxas knew.

He approached the subject cautiously, fearing that Axel would be reluctant to talk about it since they'd ignored the subject for almost a week. Axel had shrugged it off like he did most everything else that Roxas found particularly interesting.

Axel had just finished telling him some crazy story about setting something or other on fire (which was one of Axel's favorite activities), and the timing seemed perfect. "Hey… Axel, what was up with Demyx last week? I mean, coming into my room like that?"

Axel characteristically scratched the back of his head as he sat on Roxas's bed. He looked so comfortable and at ease, like always. "Well… I think Demyx might have already mentioned this to you…but, you know that we kind of, uh….dated?"

That wasn't the impression Roxas had gotten from Demyx's description. Demyx made it sound more like they'd kissed a lot and only when drunk. "Demyx didn't really say that you _dated_. He made it sound much less serious…"

"Ah…" Axel said, and he smiled somewhat oddly. "I guess he _wouldn't_ see it that way…Despite the fact that he, um, was _in a relationship_ with me, Demyx is more or less straight."

"Straight?"

"That means he likes girls."

"Well, _I_ like girls – or at least, I like Xion…" He thought about all the women he knew personally, and realized there were only two. "But not Larxene…" Roxas recognized for the first time how male-dominated his world was.

Axel laughed. "Don't feel bad. I don't like Larxene either," He shrugged. "But, anyway, you've never kissed a girl have you? So how would you know? Wait," Axel said with a peculiar look on his face and a slight smile, "you haven't kissed Xion have you?"

"No! Of course not." What a weird question, Roxas thought. "Well… I guess I wouldn't know if I liked girls. I only know two, I guess, but you can _like_ someone without wanting to kiss them."

"_Not_ in the way I mean, Roxas."

Roxas realized what Axel meant, finally and asked the next question that came to his mind without really thinking. "So, uh, are you… _straight_?"

Axel laughed. "I am most definitely _not_ straight. Although what you _would_ call me is also a mystery. I guess if you _had_ to classify it…well… I've been with my share of men _and_ women."

Roxas realized once again just how young and inexperienced he was in comparison to Axel. He wondered if his somebody-Sora, he remembered- had kissed men _and_ women like Axel had. He wondered _a lot_ of things about his somebody, but he only knew his name.

"I'll explain it when you're older, Roxy," Axel said. He put his hands behind his head and continued his story. "So _anyway, _like I was saying, Demyx is, in spite of everything, pretty much straight, which means that for him, our relationship- his and mine- was not really very _emotionally_ involved. I guess you would say it was more physical… And, I was kind of…obsessed with him, really. And I think he just found my persistence in getting to him so necessary he allowed me to keep coming back. He was lonely," Axel said in way of explanation. "Neither of us really had anyone to turn to. I wish you'd been there," Axel said and looked at him briefly. Roxas smiled. Axel smiled too and continued. "Anyway, those were awful times, but… I guess I can see why Demyx saw it as, uh… not as dating…What-What did he say about our relationship? If you don't mind me asking."

"Basically what you just said. Just that it was lonely, and he mentioned missing his wife and kids and all that. He said his relationship with you was a way to keep sane…" Roxas felt awkward. At least Axel wasn't looking at him.

"Yeah, I remember how conflicted he was when I first met him. Poor guy. I used to hear him crying in his room at night," Axel said, and he looked genuinely concerned. Then he smiled mischievously. "Well, anyway, that was until _I _started showing up in his room." Roxas was leaning on the doorframe of his bathroom, unsure how to reply to what Axel had just said.

"Roxas," Axel said, looking at him, "Come here." He gestured toward the bed and scooted over, so Roxas could sit by him. Axel put his arm around him. "I was crazy and reckless then. Oh, and extremely unstable. And insecure…Well, come to think of it – I'm still all those things. But at least now I'm _trying_ to be better. You know… I'm actually glad you didn't know me when I first joined the organization. I don't' think you would have liked me."

Roxas thought about it. "I don't know," he concluded. He couldn't imagine an Axel that was _more_ crazy and reckless than the one he knew, but he liked Axel just the way he was (even though he sometimes wished he didn't like him quite so much). He figured he would like the old Axel just as irresponsibly as the one he knew. He realized they'd gotten off subject. He still wanted to talk about Demyx. "But… it's weird to hear you talk about Demyx like that"

"Roxas…" Axel was looking at him. "Are you jealous?" Roxas didn't respond. He was thinking about it. He might be. "Don't worry," Axel said as he kissed Roxas's forehead," I like you best,"

"I… like you too," Roxas said. He was smiling in spite of himself. Axel cuddled closer to him. He seemed almost child-like as he put an arm over Roxas's chest. "I don't want you to worry about my past Roxas. It's, well, _in the past_ obviously. Demyx and I are just friends now."

"Then why was he so angry when he came into my room that morning?"

"First of all, I like to think of it as _our_ room now, and second, he made me promise not to uh…. I don't know how to explain this to someone who can't remember ever getting the, uh… birds and the bees talk…"

"The birds and the bees?"

"This is awkward."

"I don't see why."

"One day I'll tell you. But not any time soon. Demyx made me promise."

"Promise _what_?"

"Add that to the list of things I'll tell you when you're older, Roxas."

"I hate it when you add things to that list, Axel."

"Demyx is looking out for you. That's all you have to know. And he doesn't trust me."

"I don't know-" Roxas paused. He didn't think he should finish the sentence, but he knew Axel wasn't going to let him drop it now that he'd begun.

"Know what?" Axel said as he quietly exhaled on Roxas's chest.

Roxas knew he would end up telling Axel eventually anyway. "I don't know… if I trust you," he finished. He wished he didn't mean it. He wanted to trust Axel, but he didn't.

"Really?" Axel looked up at him. Roxas was surprised that he looked curious rather than upset.

"Well…" It was too late to change his mind now. "Yes, kind of."

Axel laid his face back on Roxas's chest. "That's probably for the best."

"That's not what I hoped you'd say."

"I can't always be the person you think I am. I'm trying to be."

"What kind of person is that?"

"The good kind."

"You _are_ the good kind." How many times could he say it? Every time he felt like he believed it less and less, and he was angry at himself for it.

"I am a _terrible_ person Roxas. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Try a million," he replied. He may have his doubts about Axel sometimes, but he was definitely not a terrible person. He just wasn't perfect. Maybe he wasn't even good. Roxas didn't know. He was too blinded by the way Axel made him feel to tell.

Axel smiled and moved his lips to kiss Roxas's neck, his cheek, and his lips. These were really the times when Roxas had the most trouble remembering what made him so unsure about Axel in the first place. He put a hand on Axel's neck and pulled him closer. He wanted to kiss him forever. It made him forget everything. He only knew how happy he was and how much Axel was a part of that. The bad things disappeared.

As they continued to kiss, Axel moved closer and closer to Roxas until their entire bodies were touching. Roxas devoured the moment as Axel slowly moved his lips away and simply looked at him. Roxas loved those green eyes. They were rarely as vulnerable as they were now. What was Axel looking for, he wondered? Possibly approval. Or perhaps redemption. Maybe just hope. Lovely, lovely eyes, Roxas thought.

Axel broke the moment first and moved his body back so he could lay his head on Roxas's chest once more. "You know it's hard to control myself around you… You should thank Demyx one day."

Roxas thought he was starting to catch on to what Demyx and Axel's agreement entailed, and he wished it didn't exist. He still wanted to know what the look in Axel's eyes had meant. Why had Axel looked away so soon?

"Goodnight Roxas," he said as he reached over him to turn off the light.


	11. Musings

"Why weren't you in my room last night?" Roxas asked, trying not to sound upset (although he was). It was a Saturday morning, he didn't have a mission or anywhere to go, and he had just been sitting in bed wondering where Axel was and pondering if he should go look for him. The though that something bad might happen to Axel had always silently plagued Roxas, ever since the first time (a long time ago) that the Organization had thought Axel was dead. Roxas could usually ignore this fear, but last night when he hadn't shown up, the fear had returned.

"Uh… I was – hey," Axel interrupted himself with a self-satisfied grin, "you missed me, didn't you?" He sat down on Roxas's bed and kissed him.

"Maybe I did," Roxas smiled in spite of himself, already feeling better. "But where were you?"

"Do we _have_ to talk about it?"

Roxas wasn't sure how to respond to this question. He certainly _wanted_ to talk about it.

"I was at Reno's place," Axel said before Roxas could respond.

"What were you doing there?" Roxas asked suspiciously. He thought it was odd that Axel hadn't told him beforehand where he was going.

Axel seemed reluctant to speak about it, which naturally made Roxas more curious.

"Roxas, are you sure this isn't going to be awkward? You have to promise that you aren't going to be upset about this."

"Why would I be upset?" Roxas asked. What sketchy things could Axel possibly be doing at Reno's place? Roxas didn't see what about this situation could make him angry.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Why can I lie to anyone except you?" He took a deep breath. "You have to promise not to be mad."

"Okay."

"I was showing Demyx how to break Xemnas's restrictions so he could see his somebody."

"Why didn't you just tell me that yesterday? Then I wouldn't have worried."

Axel smiled at him. "Roxas, do you even know how adorable you are? Anyway," he said, continuing before Roxas even had a chance to blush, "It was kind of a last-minute thing. I've been meaning to show him how for a long time, but then I just kept getting distracted by you," Axel said.

"Why would that make me mad?"

"I just, I don't know. I guess you seemed a little _weirded _out by what I told you about Demyx and I being together, and I didn't want you to be upset about it."

"I mean, that's fine. I'm glad you're helping him with that. He's been wanting to see his somebody's family for a long time." Roxas only vaguely knew why this information should upset him. He supposed it was weird that neither Demyx nor Axel had mentioned this whole endeavor to him before, but he thought it was nice of Axel to help Demyx out. It showed what a good friend he was. But Roxas still had questions. "Why do you and Demyx never talk when the rest of the organization is around? It seems like your whole relationship is a secret. I didn't even think you got along before I heard Demyx talk about your past."

"Now _that_ one's complicated," Axel said. "Xemnas was kind of pissed because I blew off some mission a long time ago that was _kind of_ important –because of Demyx- and then he made this rule about organization members 'dating,' which basically said that they couldn't. I think you've noticed how hostile things can get around this place. Everyone is looking out for himself – or herself in the case of Larxene- and Xemnas supports that sort of environment."

Roxas had never thought about this before. It made sense, but then why was it okay that he and Axel were in a relationship? "Does Xemnas know that you come to my room every night?" Roxas asked, raising an eyebrow.

Axel laughed out loud at this. "I doubt it. As long as I keep doing my work, he doesn't care. He really doesn't care about any of us as long as we're doing our work. It's only if he stops getting what he wants that he'll change things. He does try to pin us against one another though. That's why I think our bar nights are so important. It's the only time we all hang out like a… well, a family, I guess, although it's a loose interpretation of the word." He shrugged.

"Aren't you and I kind of like a family?" Roxas wasn't even sure what he meant by that, but he'd asked without thinking.

Axel looked serious for a second. He nodded. "I would like for us to be a family Roxas – in the real world," he was smiling as he appeared to muse over this possibility, and was uncharacteristically animated when he began, "We could live in the suburbs of Vegas and I could work in a casino and take you new worlds on my nights off," he said as he kicked off his shoes and scooted next to Roxas on the bed. "And we could have stuffy, old neighbors who'd disapprove of us being gay, and then we could adopt children and piss _everyone _off…" He said, sounding quite self-satisfied.

Roxas had never thought of having children before. He wondered why that would make people angry. Probably because no one would trust Axel with a child. He thought about it, and concluded that Axel would really be a pretty decent father. At least their kids would have fun, even if they ended up constantly getting in trouble. Roxas wondered what kind of father he would be. He didn't remember even having a father. He wouldn't know what to do.

But despite that, he knew he would like it if Axel took him to new worlds and they broke all the rules and had some children (although Roxas wasn't sure how one procured children in the first place) and lived in Las Vegas and had the perfect life Axel had just described. He felt like with Axel, he always had this hope that everything would be just like that -perfect. No Castle Oblivion, no secrets looming over their heads. He found himself imagining this perfect future too. "And Demyx and Xion could be our neighbors…" he added. In an ideal world, all his friends would be there.

Axel looked at him strangely. "That's possibly the oddest couple I've ever heard of, Roxas. Demyx and Xion?"

"I didn't mean together!" Roxas clarified. "That would just be weird."

Axel smiled and looked away. "But aren't you and I weird? As a couple. You're this super nice, obedient kid who follows the rules and remains innocent despite the devilish impulses of your fucked up, heathen boyfriend who daily performs acts of self-destructive rebellion. Doesn't there seem to be something weird about that?"

"I've never thought of it like that before." Roxas had never considered what a normal couple would be like. He didn't even know what a normal relationship was. He certainly didn't have any. All his relationships were complicated by the fact that he was part of the Organization. But he'd never minded much. He just wanted to be with the people he liked. "Axel, I don't think you're as bad as all that."

"Maybe not," he said, "but you don't know everything."

"Then tell me everything!" Roxas demanded. If Axel wouldn't give him all the facts, how could he make a judgment about this?

"We should go to breakfast," Axel said, looking resigned. He stood up to go.

Roxas stood up too, but he didn't want the conversation to be over. "You know I would keep liking you even if it were dangerous or stupid," Roxas admitted, and the thought made him almost angry. "It would be really difficult for me to dislike you no matter what you did."

"I don't know," Axel said, turning to face him again, "if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I wish that it were true, that you could never dislike me, but I just don't know if you know me well enough to tell Roxas," he said. "And I wouldn't want you to like me if I did something horrible. I'd want you to be with someone better than me." He paused momentarily before continuing "except the truth is, you have too much power over me, and I know I would end up not wanting to let you go, even if I knew you were better off without me." He said these words with increasing passion. "I've never felt that way…I'm drawn to you even though I know it's bad for both of us, but I would never want to hurt you Roxas." He leaned in to kiss Roxas in the most passionate way imaginable, holding him so close that Roxas could barely tell what was happening. There was too much closeness and passion and delirium, and when Axel pulled his lips away, Roxas felt like he could die happily.

"Do you want to skip breakfast?" Axel asked.

"Yeah," Roxas nodded, and Axel leaned in to kiss him again.


	12. Visions

Roxas was in combat, concentrated on killing, head throbbing. Luxord was somewhere nearby, but he didn't care. He just felt like fighting; he watched little hearts fly into the air, fulfilling some mission he didn't care about. Axel was at Castle Oblivion –fucking gone without a word of explanation, and Roxas had woken up alone.

Whatever. He didn't care. Except for the fact that he was also seeing things. In fact, he thought he'd seen Sora, but why did he think that? It was impossible. He couldn't even be sure. Just a momentary hallucination. But it kept happening over and over again. And sometimes it wasn't just Sora. Sometimes he thought he saw two other creatures with him. He felt like his brain was tricking him into remembering a past that didn't exist, but what if it were real? He defeated another heartless and saw another tiny heart disappear. Where did the hearts go, he wondered?

He tried to remember the last time he'd been happy. When had the visions started? Surely he'd been okay before that. That day with Axel, he remembered. That day when they stayed in and had maybe done a bit too much and went too far because Axel had said "don't tell Demyx, Roxas, you have to promise," but Roxas had loved every second of it, and he knew Axel did too, and all Roxas wanted was to do it again. But he promised he wouldn't tell Demyx (he couldn't imagine why Axel thought he would want to tell him in the first place). He couldn't talk to anyone, even Axel. You're not helping things, he thought, but he couldn't stop himself.

"Let's check out the maze for those switches, Roxas." Luxord was speaking to him. He needed to focus. Something about mazes. "Right," he said nodding uncertainly. He had a throbbing headache. Looking for switches.

They found one switch. Two to go, he thought. Found another. Just one more. He stopped thinking and concentrated on destroying heartless. Where was the other switch? He was getting impatient. Another dead end. Luxord was following him. Why wouldn't he lead? Oh right, he remembered, bitter at the thought. I'm the keyblade master. Only I can do this, and everyone is depending on me to complete "Kingdom Hearts," but he didn't even care about it. He just wanted the pounding to stop. Found the last switch.

The Cheshire Cat was talking. A vision. Roxas blinked and stared at the spot directly beside him. He swore he'd just seen someone there. It was Sora again – had to be. He was gone now. What the hell was happening to him? Luxord didn't notice anything. Then the words "Let's head back, Roxas. You okay?"

"Oh, uh, yes. I just have a headache," he shook his head.

Luxord dropped the subject easily. Roxas didn't want to talk to him anyway.

~0~

He waited on the clock tower. What was happening to him? The more he thought about it, the more he feared for his sanity. Normal people didn't see these things, things that didn't exist. But then, what did he know about normal people? He wasn't one of them. He was a nobody. He was beginning to understand why it was a bad thing. He felt alone.

He heard a noise and saw that Axel was there. He sighed.

"Today makes 255," Roxas said. He didn't want to bring up the visions or reveal that he was angry about Axel leaving him alone that morning. He looked at the setting sun. Two hundred and fifty-five days of existence. What had he done in that time? Nothing much of value, except the times with Axel. But he didn't even know if he could count on those anymore.

"So you've got the number memorized, do ya?" Axel smiled at him.

He felt better having Axel there. "It's not like I have memories from before the organization," he said, shrugging. Maybe he had _fake_ memories and random visions now, but that was all. He tried not to think about those. "I was kind of a zombie." He felt like he still was.

Axel laughed. "You're still kind of a zombie." He pushed Roxas away playfully and then pulled him closer. He put an arm around his shoulder and started speaking softly in his deep, playful voice that, perhaps because of the stillness surrounding them, was both comforting and oddly seductive. "Bet you don't know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colors…"

Roxas rolled his eyes, but tried to hide his smile. Even though Axel was a complete know-it-all, at least he knew how to make fun of himself. Roxas's focus kept going back to the tingling feeling he got from having Axel so close to him. He felt calmer. More quiet. More normal. He also felt a profound sense of sadness, but he couldn't explain that. Axel finished his explanation.

Roxas was still determined to hide how he was feeling. He just wanted to pretend like everything was fine. "Like I asked!" he replied, playfully pushing Axel away.

They were both silent as Roxas finished his ice cream and watched the setting sun. His thoughts began to wander. "Where is Xion?" He asked, looking around the corner of the clock tower. He was concerned. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her. Was it that time she'd been crying? Why couldn't he remember?

Axel didn't respond immediately. Roxas thought he looked a little worried, or maybe disappointed. He didn't look at Roxas when he responded. "Roxas…I'm not sure she's gonna show today." He sounded genuinely upset.

Roxas tried to think of a reason why she wouldn't show. Last time he'd seen her she hadn't been feeling well. He remembered at least that much.

"She's got a really important mission," Axel said, and looked up at the sky. "Pretty cool, huh?" he added without any conviction.

Roxas was concerned. Axel looked sick. "When's she coming back?" he asekd

"Well, I…I guess that depends on how well she does her job, right?"

Roxas knew something was wrong by the way Axel said these words. He must know something Roxas didn't, but Roxas didn't feel like thinking about it just then. "Fair enough," he said, although he didn't think it was fair at all. He was at least pacified by the thought that at least if Axel was keeping a secret from him, it gave Roxas a reason to keep a secret of his own. They sat in silence. His headache was gone, but Roxas still didn't feel well.


	13. Gone

**Hey! I have half of the next segment done, so hopefully I'll be posting more soon. Sorry for the depressing content :( Poor Axel and Roxas...***

Day 256

His mission had been miserable. The fact that Xion was missing made everything worse. He just didn't understand why, and he hadn't seen Axel for days. Where was he when Roxas needed him most? He felt like someone was with him right now, on the clock tower, but he realized he was probably just paranoid. No visions today, at least. Maybe they would go away.

He just wanted Axel to come sit next to him like old times. Just to talk. The sun set, and it was dark outside except for the few twinkling lights of Twilight Town.

Axel wasn't coming. Roxas admitted it to himself for what felt like the millionth time. He hadn't seen him anywhere. Not at the clock tower, not in his room, not during missions, not at meals. Roxas wanted-needed- to find him.

But he resigned himself to another night alone and arrived shortly back at the Organization's headquarters. He knocked on Axel's door, something he'd never dared to do before, because he was feeling particularly desperate and lonely. He thought he heard someone shuffling around. His heart beat faster. Axel was in there. Roxas was about to see him for the first time in weeks. What should he say? I missed you? I'm going crazy. I'm seeing things. I need you.

But no one came to the door. Silence. "Axel, are you there? It's Roxas -well, obviously." He was feeling flustered, and he knew it was obvious that he was desperate. He tried the doorknob. It was locked. He felt terrible. He walked quietly to his room, trying to take up as little space as possible. As soon as he closed the door, he collapsed. Tears were falling from his eyes. Nobodies shouldn't be able to cry, he thought. So much for that.

Day 276

He was at the beach. There was someone who looked like Xion. It was Xion. And some other guy –two guys? Maybe they were the same person. They looked kind of familiar, at least, but from where? It felt so real, but he might be crazy. It couldn't be Xion. She'd gone missing weeks ago.

~0~

He was walking to the clock tower now, out of habit. No idea when he'd left the beach or how he'd ended up here or why. What was the point of going to watch the sunset alone? He knew no one was going to show up.

Where was everyone? He hadn't even talked to Demyx much lately. It seemed like all his friends were leaving him. He wondered if somehow he'd made them all up, along with his past. Maybe the visions were his real life somehow. Could a nobody even really exist, he wondered. Maybe not.

He got his sea-salt ice cream, still deep in depressive thought, and walked the steps up to the clock tower, resigning himself to solitariness.

His stomach fluttered when he saw that Axel was there. Really Axel. Not a vision, not an illusion. The real thing.

Axel was staring at him curiously, so he spoke. "Wow…. You're actually up here…"

"Been that long, huh?" Axel responded, leaning back on the palms of his hands, staring at the sunset.

Roxas thought about telling him how mad he was and asking why he'd been ignoring him and where he'd been, but he didn't want Axel to go away yet, and the fear of it happening was too great. He needed to talk, so he did. He told Axel what had happened at the beach, or at least what he could remember. How he thought he'd Xion, but he didn't know, and how maybe, and this thought scared him, he had seen her there because he _wanted_ her to be there and not because she really was.

In his mind, he was thinking of the same strange wish he couldn't stop wanting. The wish that everything could be like it was before everything –maybe even before he'd first asked Axel to kiss him. He stopped himself there. How could he ever wish that?

The silence was uncomfortable. Axel probably thought he was crazy. He wasn't looking at Roxas. He stood up. His profile looked so noble. He was so tall and thin and just beautiful in the light of the setting sun. Roxas couldn't explain what he was feeling. This person didn't look like Axel. He looked like everything Roxas had always wanted Axel to be and still couldn't help thinking he was – the center of a crumbling universe.

Axel looked at him and smiled. "You wanna go look for her?"

This took him by surprise. Could they just do that? Run off and look for her? Axel probably wasn't thinking this through. "But Xemnas's orders…" Roxas said, looking back at him.

Axel leaned down and put a hand on Roxas's shoulder. He leaned in close and confidently spoke, "Orders schmorders. Starting tomorrow, we'll use our spare time between work and coming here to try and find Xion."

Roxas noticed that Axel hadn't mentioned anything about their activities outside of work. Were their nights together over? Something had changed, but what was it? Roxas deeply held on to the belief that Axel should never be parted from him, but he feared that they couldn't stay together forever, despite all his wishes. Maybe that's why Axel hadn't been around him much; maybe he knew it too. Maybe everything Roxas used to believe about them was a dream. It was becoming harder to tell what the truth was. Everything was so constantly changing.

He wanted Axel to kiss him, to reassure him that their past was real, that he remembered something. Axel's hand was still on his shoulder. This was where Roxas had his first real memory, the day he met Axel. And it was where they'd first kissed. But he was supposed to be thinking about Xion.

It was true that they needed to look for her. She was somewhere out there, probably alone, and maybe as confused as he was

"Okay," he said looking at Axel. "Yeah, it's a deal."

Axel didn't respond. He faced the setting sun, and Roxas followed his gaze.

Day 296

Now he saw Axel every day, and they always had the same conversation. Did you find her? No. Where did you look? Mumblings of places. We'll find her. Yeah, we'll find her, Roxas responded, pretending like he knew it was a fact, but, to be honest, he wasn't sure.

He felt like a zombie most of the time. He couldn't sleep. First, there was the seemingly impossible challenge of finding Xion and then there was Axel who was behaving so strangely Roxas couldn't remember what their relationship had been like anymore. All his memories seemed to fade into nothingness and blur. Nothing seemed real.

He was going insane. He was losing it. He didn't know what to do.

Day 296

It was the beginning of the day. He walked toward Axel who was standing in the Gray Area, waiting. Axel made sure no one was within ear shot, and said reassuringly, "I'll look again after work today, see if I can find her."

Roxas nodded. Axel didn't smile at him. He never smiled anymore. Neither did Roxas. They were getting nowhere. Both of them seemed to know it, but Axel kept pretending, so Roxas did too. "We'll find her, I promise," he'd say. "Yeah, we'll find her." Roxas would repeat the words, but he never meant them.

~0~

Roxas arrived at the clock tower feeling exhausted and hopeless.

"It's no use. We're never gonna find her," he said, avoiding eye contact. He couldn't survive another fake conversation.

Axel didn't look at him. He never did when they were alone together. Roxas noticed. "You sure there isn't someplace you're forgetting to check?"

"I've been everywhere I know how to get to." He sighed. He wanted to be clear. He'd tried everything. Everything to find Xion, everything to remember his real past, everything to get Axel to pay attention to him. Everything.

"Right." Axel said. He scratched his head absentmindedly. From what he could observe without directly looking at him, Roxas thought Axel looked uncomfortable.

"The only place I haven't looked is Castle Oblivion." At this point, Roxas wasn't afraid to bring it up anymore. What else did he have to lose? "Xion was asking about it, remember?"

What if Axel _didn't_ remember? What if Roxas was making all of this up. "And…the day before she disappeared, you said she was put on an important mission." Didn't Axel say that? Roxas waited for a response.

"Yeah, but…" Axel didn't seem to know how to proceed. "The place has cleared out, man. There's nothing there."

"Xion might be there," Roxas said seriously. Why hadn't he considered it before? It was the only possibility left.

"You know…" Axel said, vaguely trying to look at Roxas but settling on looking at his hand instead, "that's where she comes from. Castle Oblivion."

"What? Really?"

"That's probably why she was asking about it," Axel shrugged.

"I had no idea…" Why hadn't he put the pieces together? Nobodies had to come from _somewhere_.

"Neither did I. I only found out about it a little while ago…" Axel trailed off. Roxas wondered if he was telling the truth.

"She must have a lot of questions." Roxas imagined that wherever Xion was, she was probably having the same feelings as him. They were both alone. "Poor Xion."

"Hey, Roxas…"

Roxas knew that tone. Axel was on the verge of asking something. Roxas was too nervous to speak, but he managed to mutter a "yeah?"

He paused. Then sighed. "I'm really, _really_ sorry."

"For … for what?" Roxas managed to whisper. There were so many things Roxas was angry about. So many things Axel could be sorry for, but which one was he thinking of?

"I'm sorry this is how things ended up. I ruined everything." He paused and took a deep breath. "I fucked it up, like always."

This confession gave Roxas an odd kind of courage. "I have trouble remembering the past," he admitted "I…think I'm insane. I don't even know if everything I think happened really happened… Do you…remember when we kissed here?" Roxas looked at Axel who wasn't looking back at him.

Axel's voice came out sounding very weak, almost as though he might cry, the same way Xion had cried before she disappeared, the same way Roxas had cried over Axel. "I want you," his body shook. He sighed. He almost didn't continue. "I want you to forget that, okay? It doesn't matter."

Roxas had to leave. He stood up but felt immediately dizzy. Don't fall off the ledge, he thought to himself, but what did it matter. Then his mind went blank.

~0~

He woke up in his room. The ceiling came into focus and he realized that someone was holding his hand, and he recognized the hand and the person attached to it who was sitting on a chair by his bedside. Axel's other hand was on his forehead, and he hadn't noticed that Roxas was awake yet.

Roxas observed him for a second. He looked worried.

"Hey," Roxas said. His voice, freshly awoken from his sleep was quiet and muffled. His head hurt too, he noticed. The last thing he remembered: falling, and before that the fatal words "It doesn't matter." We don't matter. _You_ do not matter.

Axel looked at him and smiled slightly, but he quickly looked away. "You passed out," he said, getting up to leave, but Roxas was still holding on to his hand, as tightly as his tired body would allow.

Don't go, he thought. Don't keep leaving me. He was too weak to say it – too afraid. He was completely helpless.

"You don't want me here, Roxas. Trust me," Axel said, and Roxas unintentionally relaxed his grip. He wanted to scream at him, tell him that it was a lie, but Axel was already gone.


	14. Exit

Day 297

Roxas stared at the ceiling. It would probably be morning soon. He hadn't looked at the clock yet. He hated this feeling. Axel had deserted him. The only person he had left was Xion. He was going to find her, no matter what. She was the only one left.

He forced himself to look at the clock. Time to get up. He wondered if he'd slept at all after Axel left. He couldn't remember. All of it was caught up in the blur of alternating pain and numbness.

~0~

Roxas walked to the gray area. He almost turned around when he saw Axel standing there. He was talking to Saix. Roxas's body froze. He doesn't care about you, Roxas thought. It doesn't matter if he sees you. Just ignore him.

It was still painful. They were the only people in the room. Saix waved him over. Roxas's legs felt like lead as he walked towards them. His whole body resisted.

"The imposter has been sighted again."

"Imposter?" Who did that mean? Maybe that was who he'd seen yesterday at the beach –that felt so far away. He pretended like Axel didn't exist when he replied, "You mean the one that Xion-"

Saix interrupted him. "He's prowling about Castle Oblivion as we speak."

"Castle Oblivion?" That had to be where Xion was. He had to find her. "I'll go."

"Not by yourself you won't. The target is extremely dangerous." Roxas feared what was coming. Axel had been staring at him during this whole conversation, and Roxas had been looking intently at Saix, blushing, trying not to catch his eye.

"Then how 'bout I tag along?" Axel asked. Roxas looked at him momentarily, begging him not to go through with this plan. He was acting like nothing had happened . Roxas found this upsetting, although he realized he shouldn't be surprise. Still, Axel could at least pretend like _maybe_ he'd been having a hard time too, or maybe he'd wanted things to end up differently. That's what he'd said, but he'd left Roxas anyway.

Roxas stared at his shoes. Anything was better than looking at Axel, but Axel was staring at him.

"Castle Oblivion, huh? Ask and ye shall receive," Axel muttered, glancing at Roxas and opening a portal. What did he mean by that?

Axel gestured for Roxas to enter. Roxas just wanted to find Xion and leave.

He stepped into a bright white hall. The place was clean and bright, but still eerie somehow. He didn't like the feeling it gave him.

"So this is Castle Oblivion…" he mumbled. Axel was standing a safe distance away. Roxas was thankful for this. He reassured himself that he was only here to find Xion. He hadn't asked Axel to come along.

Then there was sharp, intense, and horrid pain. His brain felt like it was on fire. He clutched the sides of his head as a million images flashed before his eyes.

They subsided briefly and Roxas remembered the promise he'd made to himself and to Xion – he had to stay, but Axel wanted him to leave. "No," he said, struggling with each word, "we have to find Xion." Then more shooting pain, just as before. He couldn't focus.

He heard Axel scream his name and the words "We're leaving. Now!"

"No! Wait… there's something…" Roxas finally saw something concrete. It was a boy with gray hair. He was familiar, Sora's friend. Axel was trying to pull him into a portal. Roxas fought back. He had to know what was happening – had to reach him. "I can almost…" then there was a fresh burst of pain and Roxas's world went blank.

~0~

He heard a voice in the whiteness, filling his mind: "giving up already? I thought you were stronger than that." He recognized the voice. It was the boy with the gray hair, the same one from the beach, well, sort of.

He suddenly remembered the name. RIKU!" he yelled, reaching out a hand to the boy holding one out to him, but his eyes were open now, and it wasn't Riku in front of him, it was Axel.

"Whoa, you okay there?" Axel asked, holding out a hand to help Roxas up. Roxas didn't take it. He wanted Axel to go away.

"What happened to me?" he asked. He looked around. They were in Twilight Town. He was sitting on the ground. Axel was standing nearby. He looked concerned. It didn't make sense.

"You collapsed right outside the castle doors…don't you remember?"

Why did he look so concerned when only yesterday he had rejected him? He hadn't cared then. "I remember going in." Roxas sighed out of frustration and exhaustion. "That's it."

He tried to stand up, but his body wasn't strong enough to support him. He struggled for a second. He wanted to get away.

"Hey, you should take a breather," Axel was trying to take his arm, but Roxas wouldn't let him.

"I'm fine," he said, pulling his arm away. "We need to go back to Castle Oblivion." We need to find Xion. He felt the madness returning. He just had one goal –to find her. And get away from Axel.

"Hah," Axel said, taking his arm back again. Roxas was too weak to resist. "I don't think so."

Then they were both distracted by the sight of two cloaked figures behind them.

"Xion?" Roxas thought it was her. Could it really be? He was afraid it was yet another vision. No, Axel saw her too. She had to be real. A portal opened. She was leaving.

"Xion, wait!" he yelled. She couldn't leave him now.

Roxas gathered the strength to walk towards her, but the other cloaked figure stopped him. "Get out of my way!" he yelled again. He didn't have time for this. She was all he had.

Xion walked through the portal, but the one who had opened it remained.

"Roxas, wait up," Axel said breathlessly, appearing beside him. Roxas ran and Axel followed. The figure disappeared through a grate.

"Wait!" Roxas yelled, putting out a hand, trying to pull him back.

The figure was too fast. "No," Roxas said, before he could stop himself. "Xion…" He'd lost her, like he had lost Axel, like he was losing everything.

"Ain't no way that was Xion," Axel said, shaking his head. He was almost out of breath.

"The other one was. The one who escaped. But… I don't get it," he said, thinking aloud, "Why would she run from me?"

"Come on Roxas," Axel said, "Let's go get ice cream. My treat?" He almost moved to put an arm around Roxas, but he stopped himself, clearly remembering that Roxas didn't want him there. Good, Roxas thought. He finally understands.

~0~

They ended up at the clock tower, but Axel sat far enough away that Roxas found his company bearable. "Why would she do that?" Roxas would have liked to ask the same question about Axel's behavior yesterday, but he didn't want to have that discussion right now – or ever.

"At least we know she's safe. She'll come home when she's ready."

Why was Axel so sure of this? "But won't they turn her into a Dusk?" Roxas shivered. The idea frightened him.

"Not necessarily," Axel said flatly. He didn't seem concerned at all. It was making Roxas upset.

"Who was that guy she was with? Why is she cooperating with him?"

Axel looked away. He didn't respond.

Roxas started to stand up. If he wasn't going to get answers he wanted to leave.

Axel took his hand, preventing him from moving. "Do you want to come back to my room? I, um… I don't want you to be alone after you passed out like that."

Roxas couldn't explain why he was doing it, but he followed Axel down the stairs.

~0~

They were both sitting on Axel's bed, as far away as possible, silently, awkwardly. Roxas wanted an excuse to leave, badly.

"Um…I need to brush my teeth… I should probably go or something…" he mumbled, walking toward the door.

"You can brush your teeth here," Axel said, somewhat forcefully.

"I don't have a toothbrush."

"Oh come on, Roxas. My tongue has been in your mouth. I doubt my toothbrush will be any worse," he said rolling his eyes, but smiling slightly. Roxas blushed, and walked into Axel's bathroom, closing the door behind him. He stared at himself in the mirror. What am I doing here? He asked. I should go. I should leave right now.

But why had Axel invited him here in the first place? There was no way he could bring Roxas here and want him to stay and not like him. Yesterday had to be a mistake. Maybe Axel just needed some convincing. He clearly still liked Roxas. Why else would he have brought him here?

Roxas was nervous as he opened the bathroom door. Axel was sitting on the side of the bed, looking at him oddly, but at least he was looking.

He walked toward Axel until they were face to face. With Axel sitting on the bed they were the same height, for once. Axel's hands moved to Roxas's waist. He seemed to be trying to push him away and pull him closer at the same time.

Roxas was looking at Axel and Axel was finally looking back. Giving him that look that meant they were more than friends, that unbreakable look that meant he wanted this to be happening. That he was cherishing this as much as Roxas.

Roxas leaned in to kiss his neck. Gently. "Roxas," Axel said, and Roxas knew he was being reproachful, and he was trying softly to push him away, but the name came out sounding more sensual than reproachful, and it just made Roxas more determined.

He kissed Axel's cheek and his forehead and smoothed back his hair. He looked into Axel's eyes. Axel's look was confused and helpless. For once Roxas saw a little of himself in Axel's eyes. He looked so vulnerable and unsure. It gave Roxas a strange kind of confidence.

"I've missed doing this," he whispered, tracing a finger down Axel's jaw. Axel was silent.

Roxas moved his face closer. Axel's hands were digging into his waist now. He wanted Axel to kiss him. Their noses were touching, and their lips were so close. Roxas could feel the breath from Axel's mouth, but he didn't want to be the one to make the final move. Axel had to do it. Roxas waited.

Then he felt Axel sigh and release his grip on Roxas's waist. "I can't do this," he said, moving away.

Roxas was more angry than he ever remembered being. This wasn't fair at all. He'd been so close.

He turned away from Axel. He realized that tears were flowing, and he just hoped Axel wouldn't see them and know.

He heard Axel get off the bed, and then Axel was standing front of him. Roxas didn't know what he was going to do, what he meant by this. He held his breath. Axel put his arms around Roxas and held him close. Roxas's head fit perfectly under his chin.

Roxas felt like weeping. He wanted desperately to forget what had just happened and possibly what had ever happened. He wanted to pretend like Axel was just his friend, like this was okay, but then he remembered that Axel had lied to him and pretended like he didn't exist and had just rejected him in the worst way possible.

He couldn't do it anymore. He removed himself from Axel's arms. His green eyes looked helpless again as Roxas moved away and he momentarily wanted to go back, but he couldn't do it, couldn't stay.

He turned his back on Axel. He left the room, and realized he had nothing. Except maybe his past, or rather, Sora's past. Maybe he could still save Xion.

Still, he knew he'd have to see Axel again. He would pretend like they were just acquaintances, treat him like anyone else.


	15. Forever

==Day 298==

"No, wait!" Roxas yelled. He wasn't sure how it had happened, but Axel and Xion were in combat. She had pointed her keyblade at Roxas moments ago, and now Axel was fighting her, defending him. But he's not doing it for you, Roxas reminded himself. He is just obeying Saix's orders. They had been sent here to destroy Xion, his only potential friend. And now even she had turned on him.

Roxas stood helpless, and watched fire follow Axel's movements. Axel rarely looked more alive than when he was fighting. Usually it made him so happy, or at least self-satisfied, but he wasn't smiling as Xion deflected his weapon, leaving him completely vulnerable. Roxas didn't understand. Axel was a much better fighter than Xion. He was better than anyone. Roxas, in spite of everything, couldn't watch him get hurt.

"Stop!" he yelled at them, stepping closer. This caused her to look at him, a very strange look. Was it even Xion he was seeing? Their eyes were locked for only a moment and then Axel hit her over the head, hard. She collapsed.

Roxas looked at Axel, completely confused, hoping for an explanation. Axel opened a portal, and then their eyes met. Axel's were defiant, daring Roxas to stop him, or maybe he was asking for forgiveness. There was something odd about his expression. Then Axel looked away, dragging Xion along, and they disappeared into darkness.

~0~

Roxas went back to headquarters right away, his mind racing. He couldn't comprehend what he'd just seen. For a second, he had been terrified that Axel was going to get hurt and in the next he feared for Xion. What the hell was Axel doing? You shouldn't trust him, Roxas reminded himself. If he didn't keep telling himself this he knew he would forget, and he couldn't let Axel keep deceiving him. Axel was there, at headquarters. Roxas yelled his name, running towards him, angry. It was weird to say his name, weird to have to speak to him at all. He had an odd desire to punch him in the face. Axel had rejected him last night _again_, and now he had taken his only remaining friend. Even though she had pointed a weapon at him, Xion could never hurt him the way Axel had

"Hey Roxas," Axel said, exasperated.

Roxas was livid. "Where is she?"

"Safe."

Not safe. "How could you do that to her?"

"Do what?"

"You didn't have to use force." Roxas could feel his face getting hot. The desire to physically attack Axel was getting stronger. Roxas had never felt like this before. He _hated_ him. This wasn't about Xion. This was about Axel, and Roxas wasn't going to let him off the hook this time.

"Didn't I?"

"No... Of course not! We're supposed to be best friends."

"This isn't about friendship." Roxas just glared at him. Of course it was, of course. They were supposed to be friends, all of them. Roxas couldn't speak from anger and disappointment.

"If that's all, I gotta go," Axel said, turning around and walking the other direction. Roxas wanted to throw his keyblade at him as he walked out the door.

==Day 299==

"He's the connection."

"The what?"

"He is what makes you and Xion a part of each other's lives," Xemnas explained. "Just as he is the reason I placed Xion among our number. And if you want her to stay that way, I must insist you get your mind off these needless distractions. I will have Xion return to her duties tomorrow. Today, you must focus on yours."

Sora – the missing connection. Roxas pondered this. Xion would be back tomorrow. He breathed in deeply. All would be well, he thought. And then he saw Axel.

"Hey Roxas," Axel said nonchalantly. Roxas was still angry, and he needed to think. He walked past Axel and into his room, slamming the door behind him.

Day 300

Xion was back today. Roxas had gone to the clock tower to look for her, and she had been there – with Axel. Roxas would have left, but Xion saw him and waved him over. He wished he had explained to her what had happened between he and Axel, but he never got the chance. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about it anyway.

Even though they were finally all together again, things could not have been more different. Roxas could feel Axel's eyes on his, but he refused to look at him. He stared at the sunset and then left without a word.

==Day 321==

Roxas had been having nightmares. He never slept anymore. Every day felt like a blur, and last night, he'd had a dream that about Sora again. Roxas had seen his face – knew for sure what he looked like. And that boy with the grey hair, Riku, he was in the dreams too. Roxas didn't want anyone to notice, but he was doing horribly at missions lately. He was exhausted from the lack of sleep brought on by these visions of Sora, and he didn't know where to turn.

Now he was sitting at the clock tower with Xion. She finally spoke.

"I guess he's not coming today."

"You want him to?" Roxas couldn't say it without sounding accusatory. How could she, of all people, want him to come back? He'd betrayed her.

"What, did you two have a fight?" She asked

Why would she ask that? Did she know what had happened? Roxas pretended like she didn't know anything. He hoped she didn't. What if Axel had talked to her? "I can't believe that jerk would actually attack you."

"So he's a jerk now?"

Why didn't she agree with him? Maybe Axel had been messing with her head too.

She sighed "Roxas, I wouldn't be sitting here with you if Axel hadn't done that." She looked at him intently. "He's your best friend."

She didn't understand. Best not to explain. "So are you," he said, looking at her. He wished this was true, but if she was on Axel's side he didn't want her to be his friend anyway.

"It's just not the same without all three of us..." she said. Roxas agreed with that. It wasn't the same, and it was never going to be the same again. But sometimes he wished it didn't have to be that way.

==Day 322==

Maybe he was starting to miss him. He was so exhausted every day. He just needed to rest, needed a friend who knew what he was feeling, but no one would understand. The nightmares continued, and there was nowhere to turn.

==Day 323==

Saix was proposing a mission to him. Roxas could barely understand what he was saying, and he didn't care. He would do whatever he was told. "S...sure... Leave it to me!" Roxas said, fighting sleep. What did he care?

Then he heard Axel's voice – something he'd been missing for a while now. "Hey, whoa whoa whoa... Roxas, you really wanna do that?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Roxas said, not looking at either or them.

"It's just, lately you—" Axel had been paying attention to him? Roxas looked at him briefly and then at his shoes.

"Shouldn't you already be out on your mission, Axel?" Saix interrupted.

"Yeah, I need to get ready, too," Roxas said, shrugging the whole thing off, but Axel stayed, looking at him intently. Roxas managed to look back. Maybe they could be friends again? "Let's…. catch up later?" Roxas suggested. He immediately hated himself for it. Why was he so weak? It could have been anyone, he told himself. He just needed a friend. But deep down he knew he wanted it to be Axel.

~0~

Axel and Xion were at the clock tower after his mission. Roxas felt like they were miles apart. "Been a while since we all hung out like this, huh?" he asked, trying to diffuse the silence, but he knew he sounded desperate.

"Well, we have had our share of drama," Axel said. Roxas remembered what made Axel so terrible – he trivialized everything. He didn't understand Roxas at all. How could he have been so deceived? "Hey, I just remembered," he continued "did you guys know you should be checking your ice cream sticks?"

"Really? For what?" Xion asked.

"Once you finish your ice cream bar, check the stick. It might say WINNER."

"Hey, wait a second... Oh yeah!" Roxas had found one of those a long time ago, but for some reason he didn't want to tell Axel – he didn't want him to know anything about his life. Axel had lost the right to know anything.

"Oh yeah" what?" Axel said, looking at him.

"Uhh...n-nothing… So… what do you win?"

"Heh, beats me." Axel shrugged.

There were moments of silence, and then Roxas felt something deep inside of him rebelling, and he couldn't stop himself from asking, "What if we all ran off?"

Xion looked at him. "What?"

"The three of us. Then we could always be together," he said. What was he thinking? He regretted saying it already. But the lack of sleep was catching up to him. He felt crazy, like something had to change in his life, but he knew this wasn't the answer. He would be miserable with the two of them. Maybe even more miserable than he was now.

"We don't have any place to run," Xion said. He was glad she'd said it so he didn't have to. Of course it was a bad idea.

"I know. Heh," he said, looking away, "I was just thinking out loud."

"Well, even if things change," Axel said, looking directly at him, "we'll never be apart."

What the hell did that mean? Roxas wondered.

"As long as we remember each other...right? Don't worry, Axel-we got your hokey speech memorized," Xion said, laughing it off. Axel was still looking at Roxas. What did that look mean? Roxas couldn't bring himself to look back.

"Just checking," Axel said, finally looking at Xion instead.

"I'll have these moments memorized for a long time. Forever, I hope," Xion said.

"Me too," Roxas said absentmindedly, looking down at the ground far below him. Who were these people sitting beside him? He didn't recognize them anymore – didn't recognize himself. "Forever…" he said, as he stared at the sunset, and he wondered how he could get away from them, away from this place, away from the organization. He wondered where he could start again. Away from Axel, forever.


	16. Leaving the Organization

**This was my first fanfic, and I would not have continued/completed it if you all had not been so nice and supportive. I really appreciate it, and I hope you like it. AND, if you don't, it's alright because I am personally VERY picky about endings, but this is how the game ends, and I didn't want to change that. Anyway... I'm done - promise!**

==Day 353==

Xion was about to go on a mission with Axel and Xigbar, and Roxas was afraid they were going to destroy her. He didn't trust either of them – or anyone in the Organization for that matter. He wasn't sure why they wanted her gone, but he knew he couldn't let them kill her without trying to stop them. She didn't deserve this.

"I can't trade missions with Xigbar or something?" he asked Saix desperately.

Saix looked offended. "What an extraordinarily childish notion. Do you need Axel to walk you everywhere now?" He walked away.

"No..." Roxas sighed in frustration. This wasn't about Axel! Why did no one understand? "I didn't- Never mind." Axel looked at him for a moment and then walked through the portal Xigbar had opened. Roxas went on his mission alone.

~0~

When he arrived back at headquarters, he saw Saix, Axel, and Xigbar standing together. "And now we're left with the one we can't use..." Saix said sternly as he walked away from the other men. Roxas panicked. Where was Xion?

"What was that all about? Where's Xion?" He demanded, looking directly at Axel who seemed too surprised by his demand to answer.

It was Xigbar who responded. "She flew the coop. Flamsilocks here couldn't trouble himself to clip her wings." Xigbar rolled his eyes.

Axel stared at the ground. So Axel had just let her leave? Roxas wasn't sure if that was better than destroying her or not. He didn't think she'd be safe outside of the Organization, but she obviously wasn't safe in it either. Regardless, Axel looked uncomfortable and his refusal to respond made Roxas believe he had done something wrong.

"Axel, he's kidding, right?" Roxas glared at him. Axel continued to stare at the ground.

"As if," Xigbar replied, "Your friend sat there sucking his thumb while Xion walked right off." He looked at Axel with disgust and left the room.

"What happened out there?" Roxas said, trying not to sound as angry as he felt. If he kept yelling, he didn't think Axel would talk to him. He needed to know if he should go after Xion or not. If she had escaped somewhere safe, Roxas wanted to go there too. If not… he didn't know what he would do.

"Look, nothing," Axel said, running a nervous hand through his hair.

"Xion's gone! How is that nothing?" He couldn't stay calm. There were many reasons he was angry at Axel. This was just another one.

"It's just like Xigbar said," Axel replied, sounding exhausted, staring at the floor. "I couldn't stop her from going.

"Don't give me that! Why not?"

"Roxas... Xion is like a mirror that reflects you."

"What?"

"The Organization made her to duplicate your powers. She's a puppet."

"Have you gone nuts? Xion's a person, not a puppet." Roxas glared at Axel. He doesn't care about people, Roxas thought – me or Xion.

"She's smoke and mirrors, Roxas. And when I looked in the mirror... It wasn't you I saw." Axel looked at him seriously.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Roxas said, shaking his head. "But Xion is Xion. You can't expect her to be me." You can't treat her like you treated me, he thought.

"That's not what I mean, Roxas," Axel said, looking at him directly. "It was only a matter of time before somebody had to break the mirror."

Roxas felt his pulse quicken. "You mean destroy her?" Axel didn't speak. Roxas glared at him "Answer me!"

"Roxas, if somebody doesn't, you'll... You won't be you anymore." Axel actually looked somewhat vulnerable after he said this, but Roxas couldn't linger on it for too long. He was still furious.

"I'll always be me. Your best friend," he said with as much sarcasm as he could manage. "Just like Xion."

Axel tried to reach for Roxas's hand, but Roxas took a step away. "Roxas, you're...you're not seeing the bigger picture. Any of it," Axel said.

Roxas was afraid Axel might be telling the truth, but he didn't care. "Ugh, forget this," he said, turning to leave.

He heard Axel yell his name, but he kept on running. Forget him.

~0~

That night in his room, Roxas thought about everything that had been happening lately. Why had he not realized how cruel Axel was when they first met? And after they had kissed and Axel had ignored him. He could have figured it out then! Why had Roxas wanted to stay with someone like that? There were good moments, he reminded himself, thinking through them, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that everything had been tainted by a sense that something was not right, that Axel couldn't be trusted. Well, now I know why, he thought. He should've been protecting himself from Axel. He would do so in the future.

==Day 354==

Roxas was at an Organization meeting, sitting on an unpleasantly tall chair in a tall room. He couldn't stop himself from panicking when he looked down every few seconds. He was still deathly afraid of heights. Axel used to distract him from this during meetings, try and make him smile, but that was in the past.

"Seeing as how she escaped on your watch, the onus is on you to capture her and return her here. I am willing to overlook and nicks and scratches. Just ensure she still functions on arrival." Xemnas said, looking at Xigbar.

Roxas had taken to staring at Axel as a means of distraction. Axel fidgeted uncomfortably and, to Roxas's immense satisfaction, didn't look at him once. He knew that Roxas was mad.

"Axel, you have your orders," Xemnas said, looking at him sternly. "Dismissed."

So now Axel's mission was to kill Xion? Even though Roxas had very low expectations of Axel at this point, he didn't think Axel would go_ that_ far. But he needed to find out. "Axel!" he yelled. Axel stopped walking, but didn't turn around. Roxas caught up to him. "I don't think Xion's safe here anymore. You're not really gonna do what Xemnas says?"

"I have to, or else I'm not safe here either."

Roxas rolled his eyes – of course Axel was only thinking about himself. "Well...could you at least try not to hurt her this time?" He said forcefully. He couldn't seem to remember how to talk to Axel normally. He felt so emotional whenever Axel was around. It used to be a good thing.

Axel was calm when he responded, "That's up to her. Roxas... Xion is dangerous."

"Dangerous how?"

"Have you got all your strength back?"

This question surprised Roxas. He looked into Axel's eyes for a moment, wondering if maybe he was wrong about Axel not caring. How did Axel know that Roxas hadn't been doing well lately? It didn't' matter, Roxas told himself. "Not yet... "He replied, as he looked away. He felt suddenly exhausted. He didn't know how to feel. "How long have you known about her? You knew all this time, and kept it from me?"

Roxas hoped Axel would say something that would change his mind, reveal that maybe he wasn't as bad as Roxas thought he was, but Axel remained silent.

~0~

Why did he bother to keep performing on his missions? Roxas was sick of it. He was sick of the organization –of everything. Most of all, he was tired of spending so much of his time trying to figure out how Axel felt about him.

He wanted to get away. He could leave the organization if he wanted, even without Xion. She was probably fine, he thought. Hopefully.

==Day 355==

Roxas hadn't slept at all. He hadn't moved from his bed, hadn't done anything except stare at the ceiling for hours until the morning came. He left his room, determined to do what he had planned. He had decided to do the most difficult thing first.

"Axel."

"Hey, Roxas," Axel said, looking up from where he had been standing against the wall. He seemed a little surprised. They stood there staring at each other for long moments. Roxas spoke.

"You… did you find Xion?" he said calmly. He knew the answer to this already, but everything he had meant to say had left his head the moment he saw Axel.

"Like it's gonna be that easy," Axel said, smiling slightly.

"I know..." Roxas said. Silence again.

"Have you been keeping the truth about her from me this whole time?" That was definitely not something he'd planned on saying.

Axel looked at him again, meaningfully. "Not the whole time."

"When did you find out?"

"Oh, I dunno," Axel sighed. "Somewhere along the way."

"Didn't get it memorized, huh?" Roxas asked. It came out as an accusation, although he had intended for the conversation to stay friendly. Or at least civil. "Axel... Who am I, really?" Axel looked uncomfortable. Roxas needed to hear him speak.

"I'm special, like Xion. I know that," he said, "But the Organization wanted me out of the picture."

"Yeah... They did," Axel replied.

"Is it because Xion copied my Keyblade and they didn't need me anymore?" Roxas had been thinking about her a lot during the night– her and Sora. Axel didn't reply "And you feel the same way..." Roxas said. It was the only conclusion that made sense to Roxas. Even if Axel was a good person, he didn't seem to care about Roxas – not when it counted.

"No, you've got that part wrong," Axel said, looking at him directly. "You'll always be my best friend."

Roxas couldn't believe that after everything, Axel could say that to him, even though he looked like he meant it. "Best friends are honest with each other. Who am I, Axel? Xemnas said me and Xion are connected to Sora. Who is that? Tell me," Roxas sighed, "Am I a puppet like Xion?"

"No…"

"What, then?"

"You really think the truth is going to make you feel better? It won't."

"What makes you so sure? I have a right to know who I am! How did I get here? Why am I special? Where did I learn to use the Keyblade? I deserve those answers!"

"Roxas..."

"Are you gonna tell me or not? Axel... Who am I?" Roxas could feel the only energy he had leaving his body. This wasn't going at all like he had planned.

"You've just gotta trust me, Roxas."

"I don't. I've told you before. I don't," Roxas said, turning to go. He had wanted things to end peacefully, but Axel obviously wasn't going to let that happen. Oh well.

"Hey, c'mon," Axel said, pulling on Roxas's arm and turning him around.

"If I can't get answers here, I'll get them somewhere else. Somebody knows where I came from. That'll be the person I trust," he said. It was true, but he hadn't planned on telling Axel that. Roxas was mad at himself for being this honest. Axel didn't deserve to know what he was feeling. He'd lost the right, but when Roxas was around him, he couldn't stop himself from telling the truth.

"Roxas, you're… you're leaving?" Axel said, looking at him. Roxas couldn't bear the expression on his face. He looked hurt, but Roxas didn't understand why. Why did he only appear to care about him now that he was leaving? It was stupid.

"I… Axel, I need to go."

"Roxas, what are you talking about? Where are you going to go? There's nothing for you out there. I've fought so hard to protect you. Don't you understand?" He tried to move closer to Roxas, but Roxas took a step back.

"I'm leaving, Axel… I'm… it's what I have to do."

"No, Roxas, no," he said forcefully.

"Axel, you… what is _wrong_ with you?" A few weeks ago he would have been terrified to ask it, but given how their conversation was going, it didn't matter anymore. He was going to say what he really felt. "You have been playing with my head since I got here, and I'm sick of it! So I'm leaving.

"Roxas, no. I'll explain everything if you stay. I promise," Axel said, trying to move closer to him again. Roxas moved away.

"I'm not staying. Nothing you could say would change anything. I can't…" Roxas couldn't help it as the tears started to form in his eyes.

"Roxas," Axel said, putting his arms around him. Roxas was too confused to react. Axel kissed his forehead. Roxas allowed himself to temporarily slip back into their former relationship. He felt a moment of calm, but he couldn't let it last. He had to leave. He took a step away from Axel, and Axel didn't do anything to pull him back. He just looked at him. The look made Roxas wanted to cry harder, but he couldn't do it in front of Axel. He walked away. Never again, he thought.

~0~

Now for the second thing… Roxas figured it was his own fault that his relationship with Demyx had become so distant. Roxas had been avoiding Demyx for so long. He hadn't wanted to talk about Demyx's relationship with Axel or admit to Demyx, or himself, that his relationship with Axel was messed up. He realized that he should have. It might have changed things. Too late now.

He knocked on Demyx's door, heard him grunt something similar to "come in" and walked inside.

Demyx looked surprised to see him, but he smiled and gestured for Roxas to come sit on a chair next to his bed. Demyx plopped down on the bed itself. "How you been?" Demyx said, smiling at him.

Roxas smiled back. "Pretty good." Should he say something about how soon he'd be leaving? No. He decided Demyx didn't have to know. "So, what have you been up to?"

"Uh – wha? Oh yeah, just doing missions and stuff – the usual. Hey – how come I haven't seen you around much lately?"

"Erm… Axel…" How to explain… There were too many possible answers to that question.

"Ah," Demyx said, looking at the floor. "Well, uh…is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Er… well, it's over, I guess."

"Oh wow. Really?" Demyx didn't seem to know how to react. He scratched the back of his head.

"Yep." Roxas nodded.

"You know," Demyx said, fidgeting slightly, "I was always afraid to say this when you were together, but… I've always thought that… well…judging by my relationship with him… sorry but, he's kind of an asshole."

Roxas laughed. He couldn't help it. It felt good to hear someone else say it. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed.

"Well, I'm proud of you," Demyx said, looking at him seriously, "for ending it. I'm sure it wasn't easy, eh?"

Roxas wasn't sure how to respond. Demyx really seemed sympathize with him. He wondered what it would be like if he stayed and hung out with Demyx for a change. But he had to find out more about Sora and his past. He couldn't stay. He needed answers, and he wasn't going to find them here.

"Hey, uh… thanks for stopping by," Demyx said, seeming to sense that Roxas was ready to leave. "I'll let you get off to.. whatever you're doing. See you around okay? Let's talk more." He smiled.

"Yeah," Roxas responded, smiling back, but he felt slightly uncomfortable for lying. He stood up to leave.

Demyx stood up as well. "Hey Roxas… You look like you could use a hug." Roxas was surprised but happy as he felt Demyx's arms wrap around him. Being hugged by Demyx was a lot different than being hugged by Axel – Axel was so tiny and thin. Demyx had muscles and he used them to hold Roxas close. A moment of safety, Roxas thought, before I'm alone. Roxas felt exponentially better as Demyx stepped away, leaving his hands on Roxas's shoulders. "You're okay right?"

"Yes, yeah," Roxas said, smiling and nodding. "Yeah… I'm alright."

"Okay then," Demyx said, walking him to the door.

"You'll really come to see me more often, won't you?"

"Yeah," Roxas said. He thought Demyx might sense that something was off, but he didn't say anything. Roxas was thankful for it. Saying goodbye to Axel had been hard enough. He took one last glance through his things to make sure he wasn't forgetting anything. In the drawer by his bed, he found a popsicle stick with the word "winner" written on it. He'd completely forgotten about this. He had meant to give it to Axel a long time ago, before they had even kissed. Roxas sighed, and put it in his pocket, took one last look at his room, and walked out the door.

He went straight to Axel's room. After making sure that Axel was not there, he stepped inside. It was a bit messy, but that was Axel. Roxas left the popsicle stick sitting on the windowsill. Yeah, that would be good. Axel would see it, and know it was from him. Maybe it would make Axel feel a little better, if he even cared. Regardless, it made Roxas feel a little lighter – something for Axel to remember him by.

~0~

As he walked towards the headquarters' entrance, he saw Saix.

"We don't accept resignations," he said seriously.

Roxas really wasn't in the mood for this. He was too exhausted. "I've got nothing to say to you," he said, trying to walk away, but Saix blocked his path.

"Then let's keep this short and sweet." He pulled out his weapon.

Roxas summoned the Keyblade. He really didn't think he was a match for Saix. What if he died? No time to think. The battle began.

~0~

Roxas panted as he watched Saix stagger and fall on his knees, giving Roxas the chance to finally escape.

He ran towards the entrance of the organization – his exit, but when he got there, he didn't want to leave. He decided to take a break. It would be good to rest before the journey anyway. Who knew where he'd end up? Multiple times during his fight with Saix, he had feared for his life. It was a miracle that he had won. But in those moments, when he thought he might die, Roxas realized how alone he was. Who would care if he ceased to exist? Xion was gone already – obviously fine without him, Axel didn't care about anyone but himself, and Demyx…. Well, he could survive it – he was too carefree to let it really bother him. Everyone would be fine without him. Maybe in the real world, he could find someone who really cared about him.

With this thought, Roxas moved toward the Castle's exit, hoping no one else would try to stop him. He didn't think he could handle another fight.

Roxas had never been on the streets around the organization before. All his time there, and he'd never seen this. He stepped into the dark streets. Roxas felt uncomfortable as he walked away. Which direction should he go? He walked straight forward, praying that no one would notice him.

Then he heard a voice behind him. Axel.

"Your mind's made up?" he said. Roxas paused. He wasn't ready for this right now.

"Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know," he said, not turning back to see the expression on Axel's face. He didn't want to stand here defending himself to Axel. He had to go, and Axel couldn't talk him out of leaving.

"You can't turn on the Organization!" Roxas was shocked. Axel was _yelling_ at him. He had never heard Axel get this angry before. It made Roxas more determined "You get on their bad side, and they'll destroy you!"

"No one would miss me," Roxas said simply, and he walked down the dark street - away from Axel and everything he knew.


	17. Sequel!

Hey peeps! I hope I am not abusing your expectations, but I wanted to let you know that I started a sequel to this story from Axel's (and sort of Demyx's) POV titled "No One Would Miss Me." Roxas will soon arrive in the story, and I'm going to try to include more characters in this one because Axel is less antisocial than Roxas so it only makes sense. I just figured you would be the people who would care the most, but if you don't, sorry for bothering you! Regardless, thanks for reading my fic. You make me happy. 3 Krebs


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